2010 Reflections, or Something Like That.

Sooooooooooooo, what a year! Isn't that what everyone says?  I'm not going to sit here and recap every memorable event from this year.  There was some good, and some bad, and I'm pretty much ready to let it be.  I'm excited about the future, next year and beyond. I'm ready for a major change.  I have no fear or reservations or any of the usual shit I experience that leads me to talk myself out of doing something "crazy".  I didn't do much in 2010, I just kinda took whatever it gave me.  I'm not going to do that next year.  I have a goals list and come hail or high water I'm going to reach most of them.  When I sat down to write tonight I had plans of talking about how all of the men I love I can't be in a relationship with for one reason or another, but now is just not the time.  It doesn't feel right, but that's definitely something that's been on my mind.  I have a lot of male friends and my female friends are always wondering why I don't date any of them.  The best answer I can give is every time I think about possibly going there with one of them, I remember that I know all of their dirty little secrets, and they know mine. On the one hand that's a good thing, but on the other hand it gives both of us reasons to pause.  I'll speak on this later.  I hope 2011 is sweet to us!

Walk To The Birthday Celebration That Never Ends

So today as I'm standing in line at the store waiting to checkout, there's a handicap man with crutches a couple of spots ahead of me.  He's moving kind of slow and the woman behind me is really irritated with having to wait.  Ummmm, bitch if you don't wanna wait in long lines then your ass shouldn't be shopping four days before Christmas, but whatever.  Anyway, when I finally made my way out of the store I see him walking out trying to catch up with the lady he came with. She instructs him to go what would be about 10 steps for the average able bodied person and to wait for her there.  As I turned to walk to my car that was parked damn near at the end of the parking lot, I used those few seconds to promise myself that I'll walk more. We should be so thankful that we have the use of our legs, unfortunately most of us aren't.  Well, it's not that we're not thankful, we just take the small things for granted.  We drive to places that we can see from our apartment complex. We drive from one end of the shopping center to the other end if the stores are too far apart.  We drive around the mall for several minutes looking for a parking space, completely ignoring the fact that we're going to be walking from one end of the mall to the other anyway so walking a few extra feet in the parking lot won't matter.  We're just a lazy society as a whole.  I'm going to work really hard to change that as far as I'm concerned.  It can be done,it needs to be done, so it shall be done.

While I was out trying to finish my Mother's Christmas shopping for her, I started thinking about what all had transpired from the beginning of December until now. One of my friends turned 30 today, but this birthday has been celebrated like three times.  Once out of the country, then this past weekend and apparently today too. I went to the first one, and the second one purely due to luck, had no intentions of going to the third one. I honestly felt like since I went to the first celebration, (the one that cost like $700) I shouldn't be obligated to go to any of the others.   I've already given you one weekend of my month, that should be enough.  I initially wasn't going to be able to make the second celebration due to the fact that I had one of my oldest friends in town from the UK and he was going to be leaving later that night.  Well his flight got canceled, so we were able to go.  I'm glad we went because we really did have a good time.  She kept trying to make me feel guilty all week for not being able to attend, but it wasn't working.  I'm kinda stubborn and when I don't want to be affected by something, I don't allow myself to be affected by it.  That's definitely hard to do at times, but this wasn't one of those times.  I was actually very annoyed that she kept making these little comments about my not being there.  I mean shit, I spent more money on her birthday this year than I've spent on my own damn birthday in the past 5 years. I'm low maintenance and I don't feel like people should have to shell out a lot of money just to celebrate with me.  Anyway, I felt like she was being really selfish by trying to guilt trip me and telling me how much I was breaking her heart and etc. But, I thought about it today and I came to the conclusion that more than anything, she just wanted to feel special on her birthday.  What better way to feel special than to be surrounded by people who have decided they're going to do whatever you want to do on that day? Don't get me wrong, there really was a lot of self absorption involved, but overall she just wanted to feel loved.  I wish I had come to this conclusion earlier that way I wouldn't have been on the verge of blanking on her for the last two weeks.  Whatever.

Trying To Get My Grove Back.

Soooooo after proclaiming I'm baaaaack, I went away again for like a week.  My bad.  I've been really lazy busy over the last week. Had a birthday to celebrate and one of my closest friends came to kick it with me for a couple of days.  I promise I'm going to fill you in on all of these things, but not tonight. This is supposed to be my online journal, but that's not really working out like I'd hoped it would.

I'm Baaaaaack!

Where did the time go???  My last post was like the week before Thanksgiving!  I didn't mean to stay away for so long, but sh*t happens.  Let's not dwell on why I was away, instead let's focus on how great it is that I'm back. I really have missed this.  Lord knows there are some things I should have been writing about, but due to circumstances beyond my control, and some completely in my control, I just wasn't able to write.

I was inspired to come back today because I finally made amends with this chick that I had been kinda beefing with for like two years. We weren't actually beefing so much as we just weren't on speaking terms. We have a lot of mutual friends and the holidays kinda make it difficult to avoid one another, so I thought it would be a good idea if we cleared the air a bit.  We had a simple email conversation and now it won't be totally awkward if we run into each other at a party.  I really don't want to go into 2011 with any unresolved relationship issues, so I'm glad that's over. We're not going to be bff's, but at least we'll be somewhat cordial when we're around each other. Moving on....

I've been kinda getting an itch to move to another  country.  I need a bit of an adventure.  It's not like I want to move away forever (although, never say never) but I do need to get out of the current city I live in.   I'm a little bored with this place.  I've given this city my twenties, I need to spread my thirties out.  I'm trying to be nomadic for a little while.  This is the perfect time for me to do it since I don't have any kids, relationships or a career holding me back.  I'm basically just wasting time right now to be honest. I need to do some major growing in 2011 because I just took whatever 2010 gave me. I'm trying to kill the old me and be reborn.  Blame Jim Rohn.  Yeah, I've been listening to his speeches and you can't tell me I can't conquer the world!!!  I really do feel inspired.  He motivated me to patch things up with ol girl. I could have probably gone my whole life with the awkward silence that ensues when we see each other, but I decided to go ahead and bury that hatchet for good and I feel much better.  So, I'm going to make this year a great year. I'm claiming it!!!!  I cannot be in the same position I'm in today, this time next year.  If I am, something went terribly wrong.

What I Learned

Anytime you go through changes, those that are self induced or those that are thrust upon you, there's something to be learned.  When I started my thirty day cleanse I didn't really know what to expect during the process.  I knew why it needed to be done and I honestly thought the cleanse would be limited to just those reasons.  As it turns out, I discovered so many things about myself that were unrelated to the initial reason I began this process. As you know, I needed to balance two relationships that had gotten out of hand.  There wasn't anything crazy going on, but I had become so dependent on my Ex and my Homie that I just felt lost.  I realized one day that I was in these faux relationships and the only person whose life was being negatively impacted was mine.  I needed to take control of my happiness, and that's exactly what I did.

I now know that I don't NEED to talk to them everyday.  Prior to last month I honestly felt that since they're my friends and they make me happy, I needed to talk to them everyday to remain happy.   Well, I'm happy now and I haven't had constant communication with either of them. Don't misunderstand me, I didn't solve all of my problems in thirty days, but I'm happy with who I am.  When you all of a sudden have a lot of extra time on your hands, you can accomplish so much. The days didn't get longer, but I did begin to use the allotted hours in more effective ways. I began reading more, thinking more, and just spending more time with myself trying to figure out what makes me tick.  I even used that time to evaluate a few other friendships, and I found out that some things need to change with a few other people too. At the end of the day, it all starts with me.  I've got to do my part to make sure that I'm a better communicator and that I'm as good of a friend as I want people to be to me. If someone isn't holding up their end of the bargain then I need to be able to address that and deal with it accordingly.
There are things about myself that I'm making a genuine effort to change. I'm going to address problems as they arise. I'm going to be tactfully honest with people. I'm going to stop and think before I blank on someone if they make me mad. I'm not a hot head by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm really emotional and if you make me feel some kind of way, I let you know about it right then and there. I've gotta work on that. I want to be a better person and I'm the only one capable of making that happen.

Going forward I'd like to make this blog more interactive.  I know you guys and gals are reading because I see the stats on each post.  Now, I'd like you to open up and share some of your thoughts with me. Let's have some fun growing together. 

Doing Me, Day 30: Wrapping Things Up

When I woke up this morning I only had one thing on my mind. Finish Strong! I got all jazzy for work because I knew I was taking myself out on a date and I didn't want to have to come home and change clothes. Well, the office manager had other plans. After a year of wearing anything I damn well pleased to work, she tells me today that I am not supposed to have on leggings.  Keep in mind I wear leggings all the time and so does my other coworker.  Surely you can understand how this caught me off guard.  Actually, it just plain old pissed me off.  Who would let a person or persons break the rules for over a year without saying something if the rule was really that important? No one, so that leads me to believe she was just trying to f*ck with me this morning.  That's all it was. The first thing out of her mouth was, "you look very nice today, but...."  She was just being a b*tch, which is not unusual.  Anyway, I work close to the job so I came home and changed clothes.  When I got back she came to my desk and apologized because she called the boss and asked her about it and the boss told her that we have been, and could continue to wear whatever we wanted as long as we weren't being inappropriate. It's all good though, as it turned out that would have been a waste of a really cute outfit considering where I ended up on my Me date. 

I went to this little bar and grill not far from my crib to get a drink, a bite to eat and watch some basketball and football.  I'm pretty sure the waitress brought me a virgin margarita, but she claims otherwise. I still don't believe her, but whatever. The wings were not very good either, contrary to what I was led to believe.  Then, just when I thought the night couldn't become anymore mediocre, in walks a group of loud, obnoxious middle aged men. Luckily for me they felt the need to sit right behind me. *rolls eyes*  As I sat there and listened to them form complete sentences using only four letter words, it became painfully obvious that my Me date was going to end early. I'm a pretty easy going person, but I had no intentions of being annoyed if it could be avoided.  I paid my check, endured a bit of harassment, and made my way home.

At some point over the weekend I will write a reflective post about all of the things I have learned over the past thirty days.  Believe it or not, I actually did learn quite a few things about myself.  Who knew so much could be accomplished in such a small amount of time?

Doing Me, Day 29: Finish Strong

Did you know it costs $14.50 to go see a 3D movie at Regal Cinemas?  That's ridiculous!  Now, had I been in the position to have to pay for myself, I would not have been seeing Saw 3D. I don't like horror movies anyway, I just went because a friend asked me to and he was paying.  I'm glad I got to find out how much 3D movies cost, so now the thought of going to see one on my dime will not ever cross my mind again.

My homegirls went to see the movie For Colored Girls and not a one of them has had anything to say about it.  Usually there are posts all over Facebook about how great of a time they had, but today there was nothing.  I even sent an email while I was at work asking how the movie was and I didn't get a response.  That's odd to say the least.  Either they didn't like it, or they just don't want to share their experience. *shrugs*

Technically I have 2 days left since I had to add a day to my cleanse.  I'm going to go on one last date with myself tomorrow night to toast the end of this journey.  I'm not sure where I will go, but I will be alone and I will be fly.  Gotta finish strong.  Yesterday I got invited to be on a radio show to talk about this whole experience, and I can't wait.  I'm really excited to share what I've learned about myself with others.  I'll give you the details about how to listen to the show when everything is confirmed.