Do you ever have one of those days where you have to address your past, present and future all at the same time? Well, I just had one of those days. I recently had an annual for the first time in like five annuals. I know, I know..... But hey, I'm uninsured. What's a gal to do?? Anyway, I got all the tests done 2 weeks ago and let me tell you, waiting for the results was dreadful. I haven't had an overly active sex life, but I've had more than one guy over the last 5 years. Not that you all care to know any of this, but whatever, I'm sharing it anyway. All of my test results came back negative. That's good, in case you were wondering. I've always been really careful, but you just never know.
Waiting is the worst part. It really causes you to mentally undress yourself. I did that for two straight weeks and I'm glad it's over. Other than slightly high blood pressure, I'm a healthy gal and that's really all I wanted to be.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Can We Still Be Friends?
So, the other day I had a very interesting conversation with a group of my girl and guy friends. The conversation stemmed from Steve Harvey's first book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man. We covered many different topics in the book, then we kinda went into things not concerning the book, just concerning relationships in general. We got on the subject of whether or not you can be friends with an ex, and whether or not males and females can just be friends. Obviously there are any number of places that conversation can go, and it went many places. As I've told you all before, I'm still friends with a lot of my exes. This is mainly because we were friends before we decided to be anything else, and I've never had a bad break-up. For whatever reasons we decide to go our separate ways, but it's never because something traumatic happened in the relationship. Sometimes, things just don't work out, and you realize you're better off as friends. A lot of people believe you can't go back to being just friends. I do not agree with that opinion because I'm living proof that it can happen.
Anyway, I mentioned I had a two hour conversation a few nights before with my ex who now has a girlfriend. We don't talk very often, maybe once every other month just to catch up. Everyone in the room had a fit! The general responses was: "There's no reason he should be talking to any other woman that long." The consensus was, when you have a mate, your interactions with the opposite sex should never exceed more than a few minutes. (I'm exaggerating, but not as much as you may think) That whole part of the conversation has been on my mind for days. (rambling from this point on) Is it time that we start to do some things differently in relationships? Why is it that we feel like we HAVE to be everything to our mate? Why are we not willing to accept that there were people in his or her life before we came along and those relationships shouldn't totally end just because we're in the picture? Is it so wrong that he or she may be able to have random conversations with someone who isn't you? I constantly hear "he should be able to talk to me about everything." Look, let's not act like when you date or marry someone, you connect 100% on every level. Surely your mate has interests in things that you have no interests in, and that's fine. Should he/she not be able to talk about these things with someone of the opposite sex? Are we putting each other in positions to have to be dishonest? Another thing I hear when I bring that up is, "you can't leave the door open, temptation is there and blah blah blah" At the end of the day, we all have a choice. If I don't really have a problem with my mate having a platonic relationship with a woman and he decides to leave me for her or whatever, that's on him. I'm not going to absolve him of responsibility just because I said it's okay for them to still be friends and maintain a relationship. He still had a choice to make. We all have choices, even in the most disadvantageous situations, there's still a choice to be made. I guess what it boils down to for me, is trust. I hope I have enough trust in my mate that when he says "she's a friend" I believe him.
I'm going to have to find a long term mate who is as unconventional as I am. I'm willing to write my own rules in a relationship. I've always been that way. I think a lot of people only see black and white, but there's a lot of gray in this world and you have to be open to doing things that other people might give you the side eye about. Then again, should it matter what your friends think? Who are you trying to please in your relationship? You and your partner, or the masses?
Anyway, I mentioned I had a two hour conversation a few nights before with my ex who now has a girlfriend. We don't talk very often, maybe once every other month just to catch up. Everyone in the room had a fit! The general responses was: "There's no reason he should be talking to any other woman that long." The consensus was, when you have a mate, your interactions with the opposite sex should never exceed more than a few minutes. (I'm exaggerating, but not as much as you may think) That whole part of the conversation has been on my mind for days. (rambling from this point on) Is it time that we start to do some things differently in relationships? Why is it that we feel like we HAVE to be everything to our mate? Why are we not willing to accept that there were people in his or her life before we came along and those relationships shouldn't totally end just because we're in the picture? Is it so wrong that he or she may be able to have random conversations with someone who isn't you? I constantly hear "he should be able to talk to me about everything." Look, let's not act like when you date or marry someone, you connect 100% on every level. Surely your mate has interests in things that you have no interests in, and that's fine. Should he/she not be able to talk about these things with someone of the opposite sex? Are we putting each other in positions to have to be dishonest? Another thing I hear when I bring that up is, "you can't leave the door open, temptation is there and blah blah blah" At the end of the day, we all have a choice. If I don't really have a problem with my mate having a platonic relationship with a woman and he decides to leave me for her or whatever, that's on him. I'm not going to absolve him of responsibility just because I said it's okay for them to still be friends and maintain a relationship. He still had a choice to make. We all have choices, even in the most disadvantageous situations, there's still a choice to be made. I guess what it boils down to for me, is trust. I hope I have enough trust in my mate that when he says "she's a friend" I believe him.
I'm going to have to find a long term mate who is as unconventional as I am. I'm willing to write my own rules in a relationship. I've always been that way. I think a lot of people only see black and white, but there's a lot of gray in this world and you have to be open to doing things that other people might give you the side eye about. Then again, should it matter what your friends think? Who are you trying to please in your relationship? You and your partner, or the masses?
Monday, January 24, 2011
Be The Change
Yeah, I know. I'm raggedy. Forgive me.
Why am I writing tonight? I'm not really sure. I've got a million things on my mind and that's a problem. There's just too much uncertainty in my life right now. While some people relish the thought of uncertainty, I'm just not mentally in that place lately. I'm not feeling all whimsical and shit. I'm not really in the mood to just take whatever life gives me. I am beyond ready for life to give me what I want. What I'm working toward. I need a change. I know this. You know this, mainly because when I do write, I bitch endlessly about it. What's that famous quote? "Be the change you want to see?" Or something like that. Yeah, that's what I'm working on.
As you know, I took steps long ago to balance two relationships that I felt like I'd completely lost control over. Well, I really thought I'd solved most of the problems, and for the most part I did. (with one of them) But, it has been made painfully clear to me that there's still some work to be done. I never, ever thought I'd get to the point where I would totally cut off communication with this particular person, but he's almost leaving me no choice. I'm still not happy about where our friendship is. There are some things I see in him that have really given me an understanding about why he has so many broken relationships. I'm afraid he's going to be able to add one more to the list very soon. If you keep running into the same problem with everyone, then clearly you're the problem. You're the one constant in these failed relationships and until you acknowledge that, nothing will change. It's unreasonable to expect people to give you 100% when you're only willing to give 25%, but, here I sit contemplating my future relationship with someone who has that very mentality. I don't know what's going to happen, I just know that I don't care as much as I used to. There was a time when the thought of us not being friends would have had me all crying, and devastated and shit. That's not the case anymore. I'm either becoming stronger, or colder. I suspect it's a thin line between the two.
Why am I writing tonight? I'm not really sure. I've got a million things on my mind and that's a problem. There's just too much uncertainty in my life right now. While some people relish the thought of uncertainty, I'm just not mentally in that place lately. I'm not feeling all whimsical and shit. I'm not really in the mood to just take whatever life gives me. I am beyond ready for life to give me what I want. What I'm working toward. I need a change. I know this. You know this, mainly because when I do write, I bitch endlessly about it. What's that famous quote? "Be the change you want to see?" Or something like that. Yeah, that's what I'm working on.
As you know, I took steps long ago to balance two relationships that I felt like I'd completely lost control over. Well, I really thought I'd solved most of the problems, and for the most part I did. (with one of them) But, it has been made painfully clear to me that there's still some work to be done. I never, ever thought I'd get to the point where I would totally cut off communication with this particular person, but he's almost leaving me no choice. I'm still not happy about where our friendship is. There are some things I see in him that have really given me an understanding about why he has so many broken relationships. I'm afraid he's going to be able to add one more to the list very soon. If you keep running into the same problem with everyone, then clearly you're the problem. You're the one constant in these failed relationships and until you acknowledge that, nothing will change. It's unreasonable to expect people to give you 100% when you're only willing to give 25%, but, here I sit contemplating my future relationship with someone who has that very mentality. I don't know what's going to happen, I just know that I don't care as much as I used to. There was a time when the thought of us not being friends would have had me all crying, and devastated and shit. That's not the case anymore. I'm either becoming stronger, or colder. I suspect it's a thin line between the two.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
2010 Reflections, or Something Like That.
Sooooooooooooo, what a year! Isn't that what everyone says? I'm not going to sit here and recap every memorable event from this year. There was some good, and some bad, and I'm pretty much ready to let it be. I'm excited about the future, next year and beyond. I'm ready for a major change. I have no fear or reservations or any of the usual shit I experience that leads me to talk myself out of doing something "crazy". I didn't do much in 2010, I just kinda took whatever it gave me. I'm not going to do that next year. I have a goals list and come hail or high water I'm going to reach most of them. When I sat down to write tonight I had plans of talking about how all of the men I love I can't be in a relationship with for one reason or another, but now is just not the time. It doesn't feel right, but that's definitely something that's been on my mind. I have a lot of male friends and my female friends are always wondering why I don't date any of them. The best answer I can give is every time I think about possibly going there with one of them, I remember that I know all of their dirty little secrets, and they know mine. On the one hand that's a good thing, but on the other hand it gives both of us reasons to pause. I'll speak on this later. I hope 2011 is sweet to us!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Walk To The Birthday Celebration That Never Ends
So today as I'm standing in line at the store waiting to checkout, there's a handicap man with crutches a couple of spots ahead of me. He's moving kind of slow and the woman behind me is really irritated with having to wait. Ummmm, bitch if you don't wanna wait in long lines then your ass shouldn't be shopping four days before Christmas, but whatever. Anyway, when I finally made my way out of the store I see him walking out trying to catch up with the lady he came with. She instructs him to go what would be about 10 steps for the average able bodied person and to wait for her there. As I turned to walk to my car that was parked damn near at the end of the parking lot, I used those few seconds to promise myself that I'll walk more. We should be so thankful that we have the use of our legs, unfortunately most of us aren't. Well, it's not that we're not thankful, we just take the small things for granted. We drive to places that we can see from our apartment complex. We drive from one end of the shopping center to the other end if the stores are too far apart. We drive around the mall for several minutes looking for a parking space, completely ignoring the fact that we're going to be walking from one end of the mall to the other anyway so walking a few extra feet in the parking lot won't matter. We're just a lazy society as a whole. I'm going to work really hard to change that as far as I'm concerned. It can be done,it needs to be done, so it shall be done.
While I was out trying to finish my Mother's Christmas shopping for her, I started thinking about what all had transpired from the beginning of December until now. One of my friends turned 30 today, but this birthday has been celebrated like three times. Once out of the country, then this past weekend and apparently today too. I went to the first one, and the second one purely due to luck, had no intentions of going to the third one. I honestly felt like since I went to the first celebration, (the one that cost like $700) I shouldn't be obligated to go to any of the others. I've already given you one weekend of my month, that should be enough. I initially wasn't going to be able to make the second celebration due to the fact that I had one of my oldest friends in town from the UK and he was going to be leaving later that night. Well his flight got canceled, so we were able to go. I'm glad we went because we really did have a good time. She kept trying to make me feel guilty all week for not being able to attend, but it wasn't working. I'm kinda stubborn and when I don't want to be affected by something, I don't allow myself to be affected by it. That's definitely hard to do at times, but this wasn't one of those times. I was actually very annoyed that she kept making these little comments about my not being there. I mean shit, I spent more money on her birthday this year than I've spent on my own damn birthday in the past 5 years. I'm low maintenance and I don't feel like people should have to shell out a lot of money just to celebrate with me. Anyway, I felt like she was being really selfish by trying to guilt trip me and telling me how much I was breaking her heart and etc. But, I thought about it today and I came to the conclusion that more than anything, she just wanted to feel special on her birthday. What better way to feel special than to be surrounded by people who have decided they're going to do whatever you want to do on that day? Don't get me wrong, there really was a lot of self absorption involved, but overall she just wanted to feel loved. I wish I had come to this conclusion earlier that way I wouldn't have been on the verge of blanking on her for the last two weeks. Whatever.
While I was out trying to finish my Mother's Christmas shopping for her, I started thinking about what all had transpired from the beginning of December until now. One of my friends turned 30 today, but this birthday has been celebrated like three times. Once out of the country, then this past weekend and apparently today too. I went to the first one, and the second one purely due to luck, had no intentions of going to the third one. I honestly felt like since I went to the first celebration, (the one that cost like $700) I shouldn't be obligated to go to any of the others. I've already given you one weekend of my month, that should be enough. I initially wasn't going to be able to make the second celebration due to the fact that I had one of my oldest friends in town from the UK and he was going to be leaving later that night. Well his flight got canceled, so we were able to go. I'm glad we went because we really did have a good time. She kept trying to make me feel guilty all week for not being able to attend, but it wasn't working. I'm kinda stubborn and when I don't want to be affected by something, I don't allow myself to be affected by it. That's definitely hard to do at times, but this wasn't one of those times. I was actually very annoyed that she kept making these little comments about my not being there. I mean shit, I spent more money on her birthday this year than I've spent on my own damn birthday in the past 5 years. I'm low maintenance and I don't feel like people should have to shell out a lot of money just to celebrate with me. Anyway, I felt like she was being really selfish by trying to guilt trip me and telling me how much I was breaking her heart and etc. But, I thought about it today and I came to the conclusion that more than anything, she just wanted to feel special on her birthday. What better way to feel special than to be surrounded by people who have decided they're going to do whatever you want to do on that day? Don't get me wrong, there really was a lot of self absorption involved, but overall she just wanted to feel loved. I wish I had come to this conclusion earlier that way I wouldn't have been on the verge of blanking on her for the last two weeks. Whatever.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Trying To Get My Grove Back.
Soooooo after proclaiming I'm baaaaack, I went away again for like a week. My bad. I've been really lazy busy over the last week. Had a birthday to celebrate and one of my closest friends came to kick it with me for a couple of days. I promise I'm going to fill you in on all of these things, but not tonight. This is supposed to be my online journal, but that's not really working out like I'd hoped it would.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I'm Baaaaaack!
Where did the time go??? My last post was like the week before Thanksgiving! I didn't mean to stay away for so long, but sh*t happens. Let's not dwell on why I was away, instead let's focus on how great it is that I'm back. I really have missed this. Lord knows there are some things I should have been writing about, but due to circumstances beyond my control, and some completely in my control, I just wasn't able to write.
I was inspired to come back today because I finally made amends with this chick that I had been kinda beefing with for like two years. We weren't actually beefing so much as we just weren't on speaking terms. We have a lot of mutual friends and the holidays kinda make it difficult to avoid one another, so I thought it would be a good idea if we cleared the air a bit. We had a simple email conversation and now it won't be totally awkward if we run into each other at a party. I really don't want to go into 2011 with any unresolved relationship issues, so I'm glad that's over. We're not going to be bff's, but at least we'll be somewhat cordial when we're around each other. Moving on....
I've been kinda getting an itch to move to another country. I need a bit of an adventure. It's not like I want to move away forever (although, never say never) but I do need to get out of the current city I live in. I'm a little bored with this place. I've given this city my twenties, I need to spread my thirties out. I'm trying to be nomadic for a little while. This is the perfect time for me to do it since I don't have any kids, relationships or a career holding me back. I'm basically just wasting time right now to be honest. I need to do some major growing in 2011 because I just took whatever 2010 gave me. I'm trying to kill the old me and be reborn. Blame Jim Rohn. Yeah, I've been listening to his speeches and you can't tell me I can't conquer the world!!! I really do feel inspired. He motivated me to patch things up with ol girl. I could have probably gone my whole life with the awkward silence that ensues when we see each other, but I decided to go ahead and bury that hatchet for good and I feel much better. So, I'm going to make this year a great year. I'm claiming it!!!! I cannot be in the same position I'm in today, this time next year. If I am, something went terribly wrong.
I was inspired to come back today because I finally made amends with this chick that I had been kinda beefing with for like two years. We weren't actually beefing so much as we just weren't on speaking terms. We have a lot of mutual friends and the holidays kinda make it difficult to avoid one another, so I thought it would be a good idea if we cleared the air a bit. We had a simple email conversation and now it won't be totally awkward if we run into each other at a party. I really don't want to go into 2011 with any unresolved relationship issues, so I'm glad that's over. We're not going to be bff's, but at least we'll be somewhat cordial when we're around each other. Moving on....
I've been kinda getting an itch to move to another country. I need a bit of an adventure. It's not like I want to move away forever (although, never say never) but I do need to get out of the current city I live in. I'm a little bored with this place. I've given this city my twenties, I need to spread my thirties out. I'm trying to be nomadic for a little while. This is the perfect time for me to do it since I don't have any kids, relationships or a career holding me back. I'm basically just wasting time right now to be honest. I need to do some major growing in 2011 because I just took whatever 2010 gave me. I'm trying to kill the old me and be reborn. Blame Jim Rohn. Yeah, I've been listening to his speeches and you can't tell me I can't conquer the world!!! I really do feel inspired. He motivated me to patch things up with ol girl. I could have probably gone my whole life with the awkward silence that ensues when we see each other, but I decided to go ahead and bury that hatchet for good and I feel much better. So, I'm going to make this year a great year. I'm claiming it!!!! I cannot be in the same position I'm in today, this time next year. If I am, something went terribly wrong.
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