How'd I Let This Happen

Yesterday I had a brilliant idea to take a road trip to see a football game. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to stay overnight or just do a day trip. That's really the only thing I was pondering. I'd already made up my mind to pay for the ticket. I'd made up my mind that I was going alone. And, I'd made up my mind that I needed to get away from Atlanta.
Fast forward to this morning and I'm no longer taking this trip. Why? Because a friend called me and told me she needed to come to Atlanta because she needed to talk to me. I have no idea what she needs to talk about. I assume it's something serious because she wants to do it face to face. Without hesitation I scrapped my plan to go out of town. Why? Because I have this habit of putting other people's needs before my own.   Somehow, I've made her need more important than my own. And hey, maybe it is, but maybe it isn't. In the last post I talked about managing my mental health better and this trip was about my mental health. It hasn't even been a week and I've already given up on me. *rolls eyes*  I actually might still take this trip. It's really bothering me that I canceled it. I'm sure whatever she needs to talk about will still be an issue when I get back. Maybe she can come next weekend, or maybe we can Skype about it. I don't know. I've always dreaded the idea of not being there when someone really, really needs me. I'm just not sure if this is that kind of situation. I guess the question I should ask is "how does whatever she needs to talk about affect me?" It probably doesn't, which means it's her crisis.
What's a gal to do?

Is Your Mental Health Important to You?

How serious do you take your mental health? Take a second and think about it? I don't think we take our mental health seriously enough. I am right in the middle of the absolute breakdown of one of my friends and it's awful. Did I see it coming? Somewhat, but it's harder to deal with than I expected.
We all have a breaking point. That point doesn't have to end with hospitalization and a straight jacket, but there's a moment when everything just explodes.  Most of the time, you can cry by yourself and a few hours later you're good again. But, sometimes crying just isn't enough.  I don't ever want to get to the point where a good long cry by myself won't make my internal stress meter restart. For the first time in a long time, I'm really worried. I normally manage my stress pretty well. My friends laugh at me because I take random "mental health" days off of work.  I know when I need a break. I also know that if I don't take that break, the office manager might find herself looking at my hand print in the mirror the next morning.  That won't be good for anyone.
I feel like we've all forgotten how to take a moment and just be. Vacations cost a lot of money, so most of us are lucky to get one every couple of years. We've gotta find some other ways to get away from the things that cause us stress. Or we at least need to learn to manage our stress better.  Tonight my mother told me I need to learn to not care so much. I told her that I just can't not care because that's not who I am. She told me I'd better figure out how to make it happen. She's right. I'm stressed, not because of anything concerning me, but because of the things concerning the people around me. I'm not saying I don't have any problems, because lord knows I do. But luckily the people in my life are so fucked up that I don't have time to focus on them.
Seriously, my focus is all out of whack.  I have a million things I'm working on and I can't dedicate the appropriate amount of time to any of them because I'm constantly having to be there for (insert random person's crisis) It's getting to be too much. I either need to change the people around me, or change the people around me. It's going to be hard, but I've gotta do something. I'll start with a good, long cry by myself, and see if that helps.

Internet Stalking is Underrated

So you know how everyone feels all crazy when they Facebook or Twitter stalk someone?  Stop it!  Don't feel bad about that shit. It's the internet and your privacy is very limited on the internet, especially social networking sites.  Facebook is super creepy these days on its own.  The face recognition when it comes to tagging pics is one of the many reasons I deactivated my account for a little while. Anyway, I'm going to focus on Twitter stalking, which served a great purpose for me recently. Sometimes people aren't very forthcoming with the truth, so you have to find creative ways of getting the answers you want since they won't just tell you. It starts with a hunch, then you have to just let your instincts carry you. If you're not familiar with Twitter, it's basically people sharing the random thoughts they would have kept to themselves before, with the people who follow them.  You also get to see the random thoughts from the people you follow, and the people they follow when they ReTweet them. Okay this crash course is taking too long. Let me just get to the point of this post. I needed some answers concerning a particular person, so I Twitter stalked him and his timeline was very, very revealing.  It gave me all the answers I needed. Answers he had the opportunity to give me, but chose not to. I actually had to stalk one of the people he follows as well, to really get the confirmation I needed it.  My friends didn't think it was a good idea, but I think it was a great idea and I accomplished what I needed to accomplish.  I now know what I need to know and no one got hurt in the process.  The bottom line is, no one knows when you're internet stalking them, so don't feel bad about it. Do what you've gotta do to get the answers you need to get. I'm 100% sure this will not be the last time I Twitter stalk someone.  You've all been warned.  I'm watching you. :)

Hard Work Pays Off

Earlier this week a friend of mine got some absolutely wonderful news about a job. I was so happy for her that day, like seriously happy. I couldn't have been happier if it were a job for me. It was actually a great reminder that hard work does pay off. Sometimes when you're working toward your goals, it seems as if you're running in circles and you're never going to get there. But, if you work hard enough, and surround yourself with the right people, opportunities will eventually present themselves.  It might be something completely different than what you were working toward, but if it's a great opportunity, you have to give it a shot.  I'll leave you with a great quote I saw the other day.

You will spend your life in one of two pain zones: The Pain of Discipline or the Pain of Regret. If you choose discipline, recognize that the pain can go on for a while but there will be a positive outcome on the other side. Then ask yourself how long you will experience regret if you don’t change.
Put them on the scale. Discipline weighs ounces. Regret weighs a ton! - Myers Barnes

Random Thoughts on Motherhood and Marriage Prep.

I'm writing because I need to write.  I haven't looked at this blog since I last updated it.  That was too long ago.  Y'all know how I am though. The truth is, I've sat down many nights intending to write something, but nothing ever happened.  I had too many thoughts. I'll give you few of them.

I need to change my view of Motherhood. It occurred to me the other day that at this point in my life, I look at children as a burden.  Actually I don't know if burden is the right word, let's say inconvenience.  It sounds better. I do like children.  I love my nieces and nephews with all my heart.  I have them for every school break and at least a month in the summer.  I adore them. I even miss them terribly when they're not around. But the bottom line is, I don't have to raise those children. I get all the perks of motherhood, and none of the responsibility.  That's actually not a bad deal. All I know is it's getting harder and harder for me to envision having children of my own.  I've always been on the fence about having children, but I have thought about being a foster mother, at the very least. I have never had a problem dating guys with children, and at this point in life, I kinda feel like I should only date guys who have children because the reality of the situation is I'm not sure I'm going to have any.  I definitely have an age in mind that if I haven't had a child by then, I'm just not going to.  That age is not very far away.

A friend of mine sent me an email to this post a single Christian woman wrote about how the single Christian woman can prepare herself for marriage.  Look, I'm not saying what she wrote couldn't be helpful, but I absolutely have to question why we should take it seriously. She's not married, so how does she know these things will work? It's a simple question that none of my friends who absolutely loved the article could answer.  One of them told me that she would agree with me if the lady hadn't used scriptures from the bible to make her point.  When I read that, it gave me a headache.  Why do people act like just because you quote the bible you aren't full of shit? (see Eddie Long) I don't have to agree with that chick just because she dropped some lines from Genesis in her post. I'm not saying she doesn't have anything to offer, but taking advice on how to get married from a chick who isn't married just seems a bit ridiculous to me.
Anyway, now comes the time when I promise to update this blog more often. I'm going to update this blog more often. There. This time I mean it. I know I said that all those other times, but this time is different. I really mean it.

Don't Say Yes, When No Will Do

Well, I'm 30 years old now. That means, a lot to me. I didn't have a great epiphany or anything leading up to it, and I don't feel any differently than I did a few days ago when I was 29. But, 30 is an important milestone for a lot of women. I can definitely say I am more comfortable being who I am right now than I've ever been in my life. That's an awesome feeling and it is the inspiration for today's post.
Over the weekend I went to Canada to celebrate my birthday.  I took this trip alone for many reasons. The number one being because I wanted my birthday to be completely about me.  I didn't want to have to consult with anyone about anything! I know a few people in Canada, so luckily I wasn't completely on my own for the weekend.  Overall it was a lovely trip. Toronto is a beautiful city, and if it didn't get so damn cold, I could totally see myself living there.  But, it does get cold, so there's a small chance in hell I'll be relocating there. But I digress.
On my last full day in Toronto I found myself in a peculiar situation. I don't really need to go into specifics to make my point. My message to you today is, if you don't want to be where you are, don't be where you are.
As adults, we all have choices and for the most part, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you're not comfortable enough to make tough decisions that may hurt someone's feelings, then you're doing adulthood wrong.  You're not going to please everyone all the time, so you might as well make peace with that. If someone invites you to go somewhere and you don't want to go, say no. There's nothing worse than being around someone who has agreed to be somewhere they'd clearly rather not be.  They check their phone and or watch every three minutes or so. You don't know if they have somewhere else they just have to be, or if they're just bored out of their mind. Either way, it's not a good feeling. It's annoying as hell, especially when you invite them to leave if they need to, and they decline, but their rude behavior persists. There are certain things you are obligated to do, but you should never feel obligated to go spend time with someone, other than like, your Granny. You either want to, or you don't. Unless you're a person who has a really good game face, don't say yes when no will do. Most people are smart enough to pick up on your discomfort and that has a way of being contagious. Now, we're all uncomfortable because you decided to go somewhere you didn't really want to go. Do us all a favor next time and just don't show up. It's way less offensive.
Everyone has their comfort zone, but it's more important to see how someone reacts when they're outside of that zone. You learn a lot about a person when they're in somewhat unfamiliar territory.
Anyway, I enjoyed my birthday trip. I had a few goals in mind and I accomplished them all. There were a few unexpected hurdles, but I got over them and that's all that really matters at the end of the day.

Wasted Emotions

(Rambling ensues) While listening to a radio show called 3 Degrees of Separation, on blogtalkradio, I had an epiphany (of sorts) The main topic of the show was, "Playing the victim, are black women beating themselves?" They touched on a few situations, from the workplace to relationships and etc. My epiphany (of sorts) came when they were talking about relationships. Listening to some of the women, it dawned on me that we women have spent way too many hours being mad at men who don't want to be in relationships. Whether he doesn't want to be in a relationship with us, or at all, we're angry about it. We've decided that "ain't none of them about shit" and "they don't wanna work for it" ("it" being a relationship, or sex) and "whores are making it too easy" and etc.
I came to the realization tonight that we have to learn to be okay, regardless. He doesn't have to want to be in a relationship and it doesn't mean he "ain't shit."  If a young man wants to sport fuck, isn't that his right? I think when we want to be in a relationship, we assume that every guy who asks us out wants to be in a relationship too.  When it turns out that he doesn't, we're pissed. We're pissed that he only calls or texts late at night. We're pissed that he isn't doing cute little romantic things to try to woo us. We're really pissed when we finally do go out on a date and he tries to get us back to his place. "IT'S THE FIRST DATE! HE MUST HAVE ME CONFUSED WITH ONE OF THESE OTHER HOES!"  In fairness to him, if his goal was just to hit it, he's not really going to know if he can if he doesn't try.
I'm not saying we can never be mad at men, but we've let this anger consume us to the point that it's playing an extremely large role in our lives.
The bottom line is there are men who want to be in relationships, you just have to find one of them. You're going to go out with a few who don't, but don't let it get your panties in a bunch. Just charge it to the game, and move on.
I've  found that sometimes you can find out whether a guy is looking for a relationship by simply asking him.  Not that all men are these completely honest beings, but most of them are going to be honest about that. The thing is, you need to find out what their intentions are before you let them know what your intentions are. Sometimes they just go with whatever you say, so let them answer that question first.

p.s. Stop being mad at the "whores who are making it too easy." That's not even a battle worth fighting, but I'll have more on that later. Until then, keep in mind that a woman isn't a whore just because she has sex with a guy she's not in a relationship with. Stop being so damn judgmental!