Monday, January 24, 2011

Be The Change

Yeah, I know.  I'm raggedy. Forgive me.

Why am I writing tonight?  I'm not really sure.  I've got a million things on my mind and that's a problem.  There's just too much uncertainty in my life right now.  While some people relish the thought of uncertainty, I'm just not mentally in that place lately.  I'm not feeling all whimsical and shit.  I'm not really in the mood to just take whatever life gives me.  I am beyond ready for life to give me what I want.  What I'm working toward.  I need a change.  I know this. You know this, mainly because when I do write, I bitch endlessly about it.  What's that famous quote? "Be the change you want to see?" Or something like that.  Yeah, that's what I'm working on.

As you know, I took steps long ago to balance two relationships that I felt like I'd completely lost control over.  Well, I really thought I'd solved most of the problems, and for the most part I did. (with one of them) But, it has been made painfully clear to me that there's still some work to be done.  I never, ever thought I'd get to the point where I would totally cut off communication with this particular person, but he's almost leaving me no choice.  I'm still not happy about where our friendship is.  There are some things I see in him that have really given me an understanding about why he has so many broken relationships.  I'm afraid he's going to be able to add one more to the list very soon.  If you keep running into the same problem with everyone, then clearly you're the problem.  You're the one constant in these failed relationships and until you acknowledge that, nothing will change. It's unreasonable to expect people to give you 100% when you're only willing to give 25%, but, here I sit contemplating my future relationship with someone who has that very mentality.  I don't know what's going to happen, I just know that I don't care as much as I used to.  There was a time when the thought of us not being friends would have had me all crying, and devastated and shit. That's not the case anymore.  I'm either becoming stronger, or colder. I suspect it's a thin line between the two.

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