Sunday, December 4, 2011

Growing Old Without A Fight.

So anyway. I've come to the realization that I've been acting like an old lady over the past 2 months. I've been spending every Friday night playing Words with Friends on my Ipod Touch, and I've been content with that. Well, that's gotta change.

I've made a list of things I'm going to have to do to remind myself that I'm only 30, and it's too early to throw in the towel.

1) Wear a shoe that I know will make my feet hurt at least once a week.  I used to wear 4 and 5 inch heels everyday. I mean every single day.  I used to actually believe flats made my feet hurt worse than heels.  Now, I only wear heels like once a month. That's quite sad because I love heels.  I literally used to become aroused by a great looking 5 inch heel. I knew my feet would be burning by the end of the night, but I didn't care.  I was willing to make that sacrifice for the sake of looking fly.  These days I've got to be going to an event to put on a pair of heels.  Sigh.

2) Wear a thong at least once a week.  Look, I'm not out here with panty lines all over the place, but I used to wear thongs everyday just because.  Now, it's got to be a reason for the thong. I'm all about comfort these days. I'm not in granny panties yet, but I'm just a stone's throw away. I have an abundance of Hanes boy shorts.  30 is too young to be dressing for comfort. It just is.

3) Wear a short skirt or dress when it's cold.   When I was younger, I didn't care if it was 30 degrees outside, I was wearing the cute dress.  I really ain't with that shit these days.  If it's cold outside my wardrobe reflects as much.  I know to most people that just seems like the smart thing to do, but when you're young, you don't always care about doing the smart thing. We've all stood outside in freezing temperatures, waiting to get into a party dressed like a skank. I'm going to do that again just for fun.

Okay, so it was a short list comprised of silly things, but I really am going to do things to maintain my youth. I've been seeing a lot of pics of women who are around my age who look like they're twice my age. I do not want that to be me.  I also don't want to adopt the habits of old people.  There's no justifiable reason for me to stay home every Friday night simply because I don't feel like getting dressed.  I know growing old is inevitable, but I'm not going to do it without a fight.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Been A While

So anyway. I don't have a good excuse for not updating this blog. I never really do. I have gone through a huge transition in life, but even that's no excuse. It's actually something I should have written about.  I'll give you the Cliff's Notes version.  I no longer have  a full time job, so this is a great opportunity for me to work on a few things I've been neglecting. I have an abundance of free time now, so I've gotta use it to my advantage. I've never had great focus, but at this point, I don't really have a choice. I've gotta figure out my next move. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Self Help: Fear

Sometimes fear is tricky|will have you; put yourself in a circumstance to fail, then make you weep over it in total denial of the part you have played. Just say you didn't want to succeed, that you were afraid to try, that you needed something/someone to blame; Admit that when you look in the mirror, you don't have faith in the reflection. The mirror won't break from the broke inside.~Louise Hammonds
This one doesn't need my interpretation.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Self Help: There are too many colors to choose the blues

There are too many colors to choose the blues~Louise Hammonds

So anyway. It dawned on me the other day that I need to self help. There are things that need changing and I'm the only person who can change them. I'm sure you can relate, so I encourage you to join me. 

I'm going to post a quote, then tell you what I think it means, or how it relates to my life. You may interpret it differently. That's cool, feel free to share your interpretation in the comments, or via email.

This one is pretty simple to me. Stop CHOOSING to be involved in shit that isn't good for you.. It's simple enough, and if we work really hard, it's easy to do. A lot of us are carrying around dead weight, personally and professionally. Let's lighten the load. Get rid of the people in your life who bring you negativity. Everyone you align yourself with should be down for you. If you get an inkling that someone isn't fully in your corner, cut them off. Save me the "I need my haters as motivators." bullshit. Keep those people at a distance. It's fine for you to be aware that they are there, but don't invite them into your everyday life. It's no secret that not everyone wants to see you succeed. That's fine, but the people who do want you to fail can't be in your inner circle. Stop beating yourself up about separating yourself from these assholes. There's not lifetime potential in every relationship. We're all grown ups, and we have to make tough decisions. Although it really shouldn't be tough to get rid of an asshole, but whatever.
Bottom line, make better choices.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Age Ain't Nothin' But A Number

So anyway. You know how you're always seeing older dudes dating younger women and you wonder why on earth one would possibly be with the other. Well, something I've realized over the years through my own dating/social life, and that of my friends, is that some of these old dudes don't need a girlfriend, they need a daughter. They need someone who genuinely believes they're smarter than they actually are, and they assume that any younger woman will fall into that category. Sorry fellas, but that's just not the case.  Quit trying to handle us just because you're five years or more our senior. (there are some noticeable differences in a five year gap) I'm not saying that you don't have some great little nuggets to share. I honestly do believe a lot of us get wiser with age. But, y'all take the shit way too far sometimes. Y'all make it seem like there's an age limit on stupidity, and you've surpassed it.  Somewhere along the way you all decided that because you're older, you must be smarter.  I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but that's just not true. There is a  woman who will absolutely believe that bullshit, but she's not a woman you'd be able to date. She's your daughter. That little girl will be well into her teens before she realizes you're not the only smart man in the world. So that's like 15 good years of lording your infinite wisdom over a young lady. You should really, really look into having one if you don't already.
All of the things that are attractive about your old ass, become unattractive when you feel like every moment is a teaching moment. It gets even worse when you're completely fucking wrong.  Now, if you're accustomed to dating a giggling dummy (or a girl who has serious daddy issues), then by all means feel free to display how all knowing you are. But, if you run into a woman who's not a complete moron, don't insist on treating her like one. It's offensive and extremely insulting.  We all know the male ego needs to be stroked from time to time, and most of us are willing to do so. "Can you open this jar for me, please?" Don't turn around and treat us like one of your little minions after we've so graciously let you feel like we just wouldn't make it without you. Show a little gratitude!
Nah seriously, you should really think about having a daughter, because I can't fill that void.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Dating Without Discretion, Sorta

So me and one of my friends has this challenge going on in order to push ourselves to date guys we probably wouldn't normally date. We have to give our numbers to whomever asks for them, provided he has all of his teeth and he's under the age of 60. Really, those are the only deal breakers. We have had a very, very rough go of things since agreeing to this silliness. The reason I'm bringing it up now is because I just gave my number to this dude less than 30 minutes ago and he's called me three times already. We had a five minute conversation prior to my doing this. He was nice enough, not really my "type" but the whole point of this experiment is to date different dudes, so whatever. Anyway, this is a huuuge red flag. Why have you called me three times in less than 30 minutes, sir? I mean, as awesome as my conversation is, this is a bit extreme. It's the middle of the work day and we both had places to be and things to do. This is how you talk yourself out of the game before it even starts, folks. I know it's hard to find that balance between showing enough interest and not being perceived as stalkerish, just know that calling someone three times in less than 30 minutes is more creepy than it is charming. It's like 99.99999%  creepy. (does the percent sign go before or after the number?) Anyway, overall this experiment has not gone well, but it has led to some pretty funny conversations. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Sh*t Was All Good Just A Week Ago

Something crossed my mind this morning.  When you have a crush on someone, all of their jokes are funny and you think they're witty and smart. Do you ever notice how quickly that shit disappears as soon as you stop liking them? It makes you wonder if they were ever really that funny, witty and smart to begin with. Were you laughing at his jokes because he was funny, or because you thought he was cute?  It's really hard to tell. One thing is for sure, once you stop crushing on them, they're just annoying. Now you can't stand to hear their voice. All of a sudden what was once quirky now seems weird.  Instead of thinking he's sooooo smart, you now think he's just a pompous ass. In reality, he's probably all of those things. It just depends on who's judging him.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Trust Your Gut

Ladies, you know why men treat us like we're stupid? Because too many of us either are stupid, or we let them believe we're stupid for a few weeks too many.  Spending any amount of time convincing yourself that what you know to be true really isn't true, is a waste of time.  And don't expect the men to do you any favors. You don't need that last bit of confirmation. You already know when some bullshit is being thrown your way. Let's stop acting like we don't. We all have intuition and we spend way too much time trying to quiet that little nagging voice that's in the back of our heads, or in the pit of our stomachs. I'm not sure where yours lies, but I know it's there. These men will try to insult your intelligence in ways that will actually offend you. However, if you let them think you were stupid for an extended amount of time, you have no one to blame but yourself. Let's work on this, ladies.

We also need to learn that it's okay to be upset, and it's okay to tell the person you're upset with that you're upset. Why do we feel the need to keep that shit bottled in? We walk around pretending not to care, when we know we care. You're never going to get to go back and be not upset, so you (we) might as well address shit when it comes up.

Shortly after I started writing this, I had to run out to meet a friend and her boyfriend for dinner. We had a great time and it was very cathartic!  We actually talked a lot about "likelihood"  I realized that it's a great way to analyze situations when you're not 100% sure. Sometimes you have to take how you feel about something completely out of the equation and just think about the other person involved. If you know someone well enough, then you know the "likelihood" of them doing certain things.  I'm such a "benefit of doubt" kinda gal. (this goes back to not trusting intuition) but sometimes, shit just doesn't make sense and it's okay to acknowledge that immediately.  Every situation doesn't need to be broken down like it's a calculus problem.  Sometimes, hell most of the time shit is exactly what it looks like. Our only problem is acceptance. Ladies, let's work on this. 

Monday, September 26, 2011

Can I Be A Bitch?

Have you ever wanted to be mean to someone and you just couldn't do it?  I'm in that position right now. Believe it or not, it's just not in my nature to be mean to people, even when they deserve it. I've never had a bad break up or anything. And even if I'm beefing with someone, it's usually done in a very civilized manner.  I don't have many enemies (that I'm aware of) I'm not saying everyone likes me, but I don't get into nasty confrontations with people. I can usually get my point across without being all belligerent. I say what I have to say, listen to what they have to say, and then go on living my life. I'm sure this situation will play out like all of the others, but I have given some serious consideration to being a bitch. I'll let you know what happens.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

How'd I Let This Happen

Yesterday I had a brilliant idea to take a road trip to see a football game. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to stay overnight or just do a day trip. That's really the only thing I was pondering. I'd already made up my mind to pay for the ticket. I'd made up my mind that I was going alone. And, I'd made up my mind that I needed to get away from Atlanta.
Fast forward to this morning and I'm no longer taking this trip. Why? Because a friend called me and told me she needed to come to Atlanta because she needed to talk to me. I have no idea what she needs to talk about. I assume it's something serious because she wants to do it face to face. Without hesitation I scrapped my plan to go out of town. Why? Because I have this habit of putting other people's needs before my own.   Somehow, I've made her need more important than my own. And hey, maybe it is, but maybe it isn't. In the last post I talked about managing my mental health better and this trip was about my mental health. It hasn't even been a week and I've already given up on me. *rolls eyes*  I actually might still take this trip. It's really bothering me that I canceled it. I'm sure whatever she needs to talk about will still be an issue when I get back. Maybe she can come next weekend, or maybe we can Skype about it. I don't know. I've always dreaded the idea of not being there when someone really, really needs me. I'm just not sure if this is that kind of situation. I guess the question I should ask is "how does whatever she needs to talk about affect me?" It probably doesn't, which means it's her crisis.
What's a gal to do?

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Is Your Mental Health Important to You?

How serious do you take your mental health? Take a second and think about it? I don't think we take our mental health seriously enough. I am right in the middle of the absolute breakdown of one of my friends and it's awful. Did I see it coming? Somewhat, but it's harder to deal with than I expected.
We all have a breaking point. That point doesn't have to end with hospitalization and a straight jacket, but there's a moment when everything just explodes.  Most of the time, you can cry by yourself and a few hours later you're good again. But, sometimes crying just isn't enough.  I don't ever want to get to the point where a good long cry by myself won't make my internal stress meter restart. For the first time in a long time, I'm really worried. I normally manage my stress pretty well. My friends laugh at me because I take random "mental health" days off of work.  I know when I need a break. I also know that if I don't take that break, the office manager might find herself looking at my hand print in the mirror the next morning.  That won't be good for anyone.
I feel like we've all forgotten how to take a moment and just be. Vacations cost a lot of money, so most of us are lucky to get one every couple of years. We've gotta find some other ways to get away from the things that cause us stress. Or we at least need to learn to manage our stress better.  Tonight my mother told me I need to learn to not care so much. I told her that I just can't not care because that's not who I am. She told me I'd better figure out how to make it happen. She's right. I'm stressed, not because of anything concerning me, but because of the things concerning the people around me. I'm not saying I don't have any problems, because lord knows I do. But luckily the people in my life are so fucked up that I don't have time to focus on them.
Seriously, my focus is all out of whack.  I have a million things I'm working on and I can't dedicate the appropriate amount of time to any of them because I'm constantly having to be there for (insert random person's crisis) It's getting to be too much. I either need to change the people around me, or change the people around me. It's going to be hard, but I've gotta do something. I'll start with a good, long cry by myself, and see if that helps.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Internet Stalking is Underrated

So you know how everyone feels all crazy when they Facebook or Twitter stalk someone?  Stop it!  Don't feel bad about that shit. It's the internet and your privacy is very limited on the internet, especially social networking sites.  Facebook is super creepy these days on its own.  The face recognition when it comes to tagging pics is one of the many reasons I deactivated my account for a little while. Anyway, I'm going to focus on Twitter stalking, which served a great purpose for me recently. Sometimes people aren't very forthcoming with the truth, so you have to find creative ways of getting the answers you want since they won't just tell you. It starts with a hunch, then you have to just let your instincts carry you. If you're not familiar with Twitter, it's basically people sharing the random thoughts they would have kept to themselves before, with the people who follow them.  You also get to see the random thoughts from the people you follow, and the people they follow when they ReTweet them. Okay this crash course is taking too long. Let me just get to the point of this post. I needed some answers concerning a particular person, so I Twitter stalked him and his timeline was very, very revealing.  It gave me all the answers I needed. Answers he had the opportunity to give me, but chose not to. I actually had to stalk one of the people he follows as well, to really get the confirmation I needed it.  My friends didn't think it was a good idea, but I think it was a great idea and I accomplished what I needed to accomplish.  I now know what I need to know and no one got hurt in the process.  The bottom line is, no one knows when you're internet stalking them, so don't feel bad about it. Do what you've gotta do to get the answers you need to get. I'm 100% sure this will not be the last time I Twitter stalk someone.  You've all been warned.  I'm watching you. :)

Hard Work Pays Off

Earlier this week a friend of mine got some absolutely wonderful news about a job. I was so happy for her that day, like seriously happy. I couldn't have been happier if it were a job for me. It was actually a great reminder that hard work does pay off. Sometimes when you're working toward your goals, it seems as if you're running in circles and you're never going to get there. But, if you work hard enough, and surround yourself with the right people, opportunities will eventually present themselves.  It might be something completely different than what you were working toward, but if it's a great opportunity, you have to give it a shot.  I'll leave you with a great quote I saw the other day.

You will spend your life in one of two pain zones: The Pain of Discipline or the Pain of Regret. If you choose discipline, recognize that the pain can go on for a while but there will be a positive outcome on the other side. Then ask yourself how long you will experience regret if you don’t change.
Put them on the scale. Discipline weighs ounces. Regret weighs a ton!
- Myers Barnes

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Random Thoughts on Motherhood and Marriage Prep.

I'm writing because I need to write.  I haven't looked at this blog since I last updated it.  That was too long ago.  Y'all know how I am though. The truth is, I've sat down many nights intending to write something, but nothing ever happened.  I had too many thoughts. I'll give you few of them.

I need to change my view of Motherhood. It occurred to me the other day that at this point in my life, I look at children as a burden.  Actually I don't know if burden is the right word, let's say inconvenience.  It sounds better. I do like children.  I love my nieces and nephews with all my heart.  I have them for every school break and at least a month in the summer.  I adore them. I even miss them terribly when they're not around. But the bottom line is, I don't have to raise those children. I get all the perks of motherhood, and none of the responsibility.  That's actually not a bad deal. All I know is it's getting harder and harder for me to envision having children of my own.  I've always been on the fence about having children, but I have thought about being a foster mother, at the very least. I have never had a problem dating guys with children, and at this point in life, I kinda feel like I should only date guys who have children because the reality of the situation is I'm not sure I'm going to have any.  I definitely have an age in mind that if I haven't had a child by then, I'm just not going to.  That age is not very far away.

A friend of mine sent me an email to this post a single Christian woman wrote about how the single Christian woman can prepare herself for marriage.  Look, I'm not saying what she wrote couldn't be helpful, but I absolutely have to question why we should take it seriously. She's not married, so how does she know these things will work? It's a simple question that none of my friends who absolutely loved the article could answer.  One of them told me that she would agree with me if the lady hadn't used scriptures from the bible to make her point.  When I read that, it gave me a headache.  Why do people act like just because you quote the bible you aren't full of shit? (see Eddie Long) I don't have to agree with that chick just because she dropped some lines from Genesis in her post. I'm not saying she doesn't have anything to offer, but taking advice on how to get married from a chick who isn't married just seems a bit ridiculous to me.
Anyway, now comes the time when I promise to update this blog more often. I'm going to update this blog more often. There. This time I mean it. I know I said that all those other times, but this time is different. I really mean it.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Don't Say Yes, When No Will Do

Well, I'm 30 years old now. That means, a lot to me. I didn't have a great epiphany or anything leading up to it, and I don't feel any differently than I did a few days ago when I was 29. But, 30 is an important milestone for a lot of women. I can definitely say I am more comfortable being who I am right now than I've ever been in my life. That's an awesome feeling and it is the inspiration for today's post.
Over the weekend I went to Canada to celebrate my birthday.  I took this trip alone for many reasons. The number one being because I wanted my birthday to be completely about me.  I didn't want to have to consult with anyone about anything! I know a few people in Canada, so luckily I wasn't completely on my own for the weekend.  Overall it was a lovely trip. Toronto is a beautiful city, and if it didn't get so damn cold, I could totally see myself living there.  But, it does get cold, so there's a small chance in hell I'll be relocating there. But I digress.
On my last full day in Toronto I found myself in a peculiar situation. I don't really need to go into specifics to make my point. My message to you today is, if you don't want to be where you are, don't be where you are.
As adults, we all have choices and for the most part, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you're not comfortable enough to make tough decisions that may hurt someone's feelings, then you're doing adulthood wrong.  You're not going to please everyone all the time, so you might as well make peace with that. If someone invites you to go somewhere and you don't want to go, say no. There's nothing worse than being around someone who has agreed to be somewhere they'd clearly rather not be.  They check their phone and or watch every three minutes or so. You don't know if they have somewhere else they just have to be, or if they're just bored out of their mind. Either way, it's not a good feeling. It's annoying as hell, especially when you invite them to leave if they need to, and they decline, but their rude behavior persists. There are certain things you are obligated to do, but you should never feel obligated to go spend time with someone, other than like, your Granny. You either want to, or you don't. Unless you're a person who has a really good game face, don't say yes when no will do. Most people are smart enough to pick up on your discomfort and that has a way of being contagious. Now, we're all uncomfortable because you decided to go somewhere you didn't really want to go. Do us all a favor next time and just don't show up. It's way less offensive.
Everyone has their comfort zone, but it's more important to see how someone reacts when they're outside of that zone. You learn a lot about a person when they're in somewhat unfamiliar territory.
Anyway, I enjoyed my birthday trip. I had a few goals in mind and I accomplished them all. There were a few unexpected hurdles, but I got over them and that's all that really matters at the end of the day.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Wasted Emotions

(Rambling ensues) While listening to a radio show called 3 Degrees of Separation, on blogtalkradio, I had an epiphany (of sorts) The main topic of the show was, "Playing the victim, are black women beating themselves?" They touched on a few situations, from the workplace to relationships and etc. My epiphany (of sorts) came when they were talking about relationships. Listening to some of the women, it dawned on me that we women have spent way too many hours being mad at men who don't want to be in relationships. Whether he doesn't want to be in a relationship with us, or at all, we're angry about it. We've decided that "ain't none of them about shit" and "they don't wanna work for it" ("it" being a relationship, or sex) and "whores are making it too easy" and etc.
I came to the realization tonight that we have to learn to be okay, regardless. He doesn't have to want to be in a relationship and it doesn't mean he "ain't shit."  If a young man wants to sport fuck, isn't that his right? I think when we want to be in a relationship, we assume that every guy who asks us out wants to be in a relationship too.  When it turns out that he doesn't, we're pissed. We're pissed that he only calls or texts late at night. We're pissed that he isn't doing cute little romantic things to try to woo us. We're really pissed when we finally do go out on a date and he tries to get us back to his place. "IT'S THE FIRST DATE! HE MUST HAVE ME CONFUSED WITH ONE OF THESE OTHER HOES!"  In fairness to him, if his goal was just to hit it, he's not really going to know if he can if he doesn't try.
I'm not saying we can never be mad at men, but we've let this anger consume us to the point that it's playing an extremely large role in our lives.
The bottom line is there are men who want to be in relationships, you just have to find one of them. You're going to go out with a few who don't, but don't let it get your panties in a bunch. Just charge it to the game, and move on.
I've  found that sometimes you can find out whether a guy is looking for a relationship by simply asking him.  Not that all men are these completely honest beings, but most of them are going to be honest about that. The thing is, you need to find out what their intentions are before you let them know what your intentions are. Sometimes they just go with whatever you say, so let them answer that question first.

p.s. Stop being mad at the "whores who are making it too easy." That's not even a battle worth fighting, but I'll have more on that later. Until then, keep in mind that a woman isn't a whore just because she has sex with a guy she's not in a relationship with. Stop being so damn judgmental!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Can You Date A Friend's Ex?

I'm basically going to be rambling so if you're all about subject/verb agreement and grammatical correctness, then you probably won't like this post. I encourage you to keep reading, but if you choose not to, I understand.
Can you ever date a friend's ex? It's a simple enough question, and depending on who you are, the answer is probably just as simple.  I feel like you have to make your decision on a case by case basis.

Part of me feels like it's okay to date a friend's ex. All single people are fair game, right?  Who am I to tell you that you can't date a guy I used to date? If we're not ever getting back together, have at it.

Another part of me feels like you shouldn't date a friend's ex because it can create drama. It's hard for people to come to terms with sharing the same men/women as their friends. I totally understand that.

Another part of me feels like the length of the former relationship should determine whether or not he/she is off limits. If it's someone your friend dated for like 3 years or more and they didn't have an amicable breakup, you should probably keep it moving. We all have that ONE person that we just really, really don't want our friends to date. I understand that. I certainly have a person who falls into that category. However, is that fair? I'm leaning toward no.

I have this group of homegirls who have all fallen out with one particular girl because she's dating one of the girls exes.  I knew there was some tension between them, but I didn't find out the reason until this weekend. We'll call them Girl X and Girl O. (I didn't know all of them when Girl X was dating the guy, so I thought Girl O had just found her a new man)
Girl X dated this guy for 3 years, about 10 years ago. They didn't have a friendly breakup and they haven't really spoken since then.
Girl O via Facebook, reconnected with him. They started talking and apparently they have a lot of chemistry and etc. She figured it's been ten years, so Girl X would be over it. She figured wrong. I'm not sure how long she had been dating the guy, but they didn't go "Facebook public" until around November of last year. I'm sure she didn't come to this decision lightly. She knew there would be some negative feedback from some people. But, she loves him and at this point she's all in.

As I stated above, I can see this from so many different angles. I honestly understand where both of these women are coming from. But, if you put a gun to my head and made me choose just one side, I'd have to side with Girl O.

 We all know how hard it is to find someone with whom you are compatible. As far as I'm concerned, your dating pool needs to be as big as hell if you want to give yourself an honest chance at finding love.  I know it's hard to separate emotions from these situations, but I'm a little older now and I try to be as rational as possible. If you know you're not ever going to be with a person, what gives you the right to tell them who they can and cannot date? It's basically like you're taking ownership over someone and really, you have no right to do that. I know it can hurt, and yeah pain sucks, but sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture. The thing is, most people have a lot in common with their friends which makes it highly plausible that a guy could be attracted to more than one person in your group.  Each day I'm reminded that as big as the world seems, it really is a small place. I don't know if these two girls will ever get past this. I do know it's unfortunate that pretty much everyone else in the group is upset with her about it. That speaks volumes. She's in a situation where she's potentially lost friends/sorority sisters for good. She deserves a lot of credit for pursuing this relationship when you think about all that she's endured and possibly will endure because of her choice.   I don't know if Girl O and the guy will ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. I do know, she wants to try, and that's admirable.   

Saturday, June 11, 2011

I Have A Crush

I have a crush on someone. I haven't had a crush in forever! When is the last time you had a crush on someone? It has to be a real, attainable person. I don't want to hear about your crush on Trey Songz or Bradley Cooper. I want to know when is the last time you sat around and daydreamed about some random dude.  I doubt anything will come of my crush. I am certainly not thinking of pursuing it at this point. I actually just like the feeling of having a crush. I like feeling all giddy for no damn reason when I talk to this person. It's charming.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Planning Ahead

How much time do you spend wondering about your future? I spend a lot of time silently wondering/worrying what my future holds. I've never had the gift of long term vision. I don't know why that is, but it's just not something that lives in me.  Try as I might, I just can't plan ahead. I guess it has to do with my commitment issues. I definitely have those. I rarely get myself into anything that I can't easily get out of. That's really no way to live, but that's the path I've taken more often than not. I've got to do better.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I used to not be able to relate to people who would say " I don't even know who such and such is anymore." Now, I totally understand, and it is NOT a good feeling.

Friday, May 27, 2011

How Do You Feel About Yourself?

So, the other day one of my friends posted this video on her wall, it's a documentary called Dark Girls. I encourage you to watch the short video before continuing to read this, although it's not really necessary because the point of this post will be easily understood.
From the short preview, I've gathered that the documentary is going to be about the plight of dark skinned girls. Being a dark skinned girl myself, I was very interested in seeing what tone this was going to take. I haven't seen the whole movie, but if the preview is any indication of what it will be, I'm not so sure I'm going to watch the whole thing.
The clips they showed were really sad and I really do feel awful for these women. I sincerely hope somewhere in this documentary they're going to have some stories of dark skinned women who are strong, confident with who they are, and NEVER wished to be light skinned.
I got teased about being dark skinned at times, but I never let that teasing get to me to the degree that some of the women in the preview displayed.
For example, I had this light skinned cousin who thought she was hot shit. She used to tell me "boys like me because I'm light skinned with long hair. (conveniently leaving out the fact that it was a weave) Boys don't like you because even though you have long hair, (mine was real) you're dark skinned.
My response to this was always the same.  "boys like you because you're easy, slut." 
Boys didn't like her because she was light skinned with long hair, they liked her because she was a tramp ass hoe who let them climb through her window when everyone was asleep.  It was pretty easy for me to brush off her insults. I'm sorry, but a slut like her will NOT make me feel like less of a person. I knew she was on some bullshit even when I was younger. I digress.
I'm not going to act like the black community doesn't have a problem with skin tones. It's not hard to look at what's shoved down our throats daily as "beautiful" and surmise that the dark skinned girls are not as highly regarded.  I see how this can be disheartening to some women. We're all human and we all have emotions.
That being said, we've got to change our reaction to these slights. 
I am dark skinned, and I am totally, completely okay with that. I have never wished to be light skinned! I used to get teased by all sorts of people about being dark skinned too, but I did not let that define me. My Mother is a beautiful dark skinned woman and all I ever wanted to be when I grew up was like her. She always told me I was pretty and she never put a disclaimer on it. Even when I went through that really, really awkward stage, she told me I was pretty. She still tells me I'm pretty. Hell,  if no one ever told you that, then dammit stand in the mirror and say it to yourself. I AM BEAUTIFUL!
If as grown women you're still being talked down to or made to feel like you're less than because you're dark skinned, then you've gotta change something about you. The only conclusion I can come to is we live in a time where people no longer have a fear of being slapped in the face. If someone is blatantly disrespecting you, it's because they feel completely safe doing so. This needs to change quickly. I'm not advocating violence, but I'm all for self defense.  I'm not joking.
As that old saying goes: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."~Eleanor Roosevelt

Sunday, May 8, 2011

I Got Stood Up! Update:

So this morning I got four text messages back to back to back to back, all pertaining to yesterday. He would have me believe that he sent those messages yesterday and he's shocked that they just came through.  Okay, so if you sent four text messages that were constant updates on your location and I didn't respond, why not call me to see what's wrong?  Now I will openly admit I do have problems receiving text messages at times, but when that happens I don't receive them from anyone. I got all my other messages yesterday, so that was clearly not the problem. I think our boy is just full of shit. Oh well, I'm over it.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I Got Stood Up!

I  got stood up today! This guy who I've been chatting and talking with asked me to come watch him play flag football today. He actually asked me on Wednesday and I agreed. He sent me a text this morning telling me the game was still on, but it had been moved to another spot and he wasn't exactly sure of the name of the park, but he'd let me know when he found out.  That's the last text message I received from him. Now, when I was young and way more naive, and quite frankly, self absorbed, (whoa on the commas) I would have assumed something bad happened to him. I mean, let's face it, there's just no way in HELL he stood me up!  However, I'm older and I know better, so more than likely, yeah, he just stood me up. I'm sure he's fine.  I absolutely hope he's fine.
The being stood up part really bugs me, not because I think I'm above it, but because it's just rude as hell to not value someone's time. He has no idea what kind of concessions I had to make to be able to accommodate his ass today. It's not like I woke up dreaming about going to watch a fucking flag football game. I was going for him, just so we could kick it a little bit. I have no idea why he stood me up. Maybe he just forgot about me. Maybe he decided he really didn't want to me to come. Who knows? Either way, I'm pretty sure he just took himself completely out of the game. I sent him a text a mere 10 hours later asking "What happened to you today?"  He hasn't responded. I'll let you know if he does.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Have you ever seen a photo that was inspirational, but also depressing? Well, I saw one today, and I've decided to only acknowledge the inspirational feeling.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Do Actions Really Speak Louder Than Words?

So, I have this male friend who always seems to find himself in precarious situations with women. He's always telling me that it isn't his fault that they catch feelings, because he tells them in the beginning he isn't looking for a relationship. My argument to him is always, "but you're actions don't say that" Well, last night I was on the phone with a friend and I finally see where he's coming from. I still kinda think it's bullshit, but I understand a little better.
  My homegirl has been seeing this guy for around six months and things have been steady enough. It's to the point where he has a key to her place, she has a key to his. He drives her car, she drives his, and they spend at least 5 nights per week together. Sounds like a relationship, right? (I don't know about you, but I'm not giving a key to my condo to some random ass dude) However, I talked to her the night before last and she was telling me how he kept saying he didn't want to "label" what they were doing. Now ladies, we all know what that means. The long and short of it is, he doesn't want to label it, so that way he can still date other women. Then, if you try to question him about it, he can hit you with the "but you and I aren't in a relationship."  I've never seen this work out any other way. Accuse me of painting with a broad brush, but you're going to have to give me an example to the contrary.  Anyway, she found out last night that he's been seeing this other chick and she's devastated. I sat on the phone and listened to her cry for quite a while. I don't mind doing that because lord knows there are friends of mine who have been an ear for me. I couldn't help but think back to our previous conversation, and that's where my homeboy's feelings made sense to me. She kept saying he didn't offer any explanation and she just KNOWS they're more than friends because of all the stuff I mentioned above. I mean, we're all passed the point where we have to say "will you go with me?" But, a conversation about where you stand still needs to be had. Even though you begin dating and things progress to the point where you're exchanging keys and etc., you still have to establish some boundaries. They'd clearly had this conversation before and she clearly didn't take him at his word. 
On the other hand, I tend to believe actions speak louder than words and I think that's why she's so hurt. As far as she's concerned, they were in a relationship. They were doing relationship type things, so it's a little disingenuous for him to now act as if he doesn't owe her any explanation. Prior to last night, I wouldn't have been trying to hear what him or my homeboy were saying, but it makes sense to me now. I'm trying to look at this objectively, which is hard because she's my friend, but I have to acknowledge that he has a point. So I guess in the end, we have to start listening to what people tell us, even if their actions scream something different.  I know that doesn't make sense, but that's where we are right now.

Sunday, April 3, 2011


Alright, I'm not going to sugar coat it. I have not been a very good person lately. It's not that I've been a blatant asshole, but I have been an asshole in the most discreet ways.  I'm not going to sit here and try to blame any of my behavior on anyone other than me.  Every decision I've made recently was made with a sound mind. I knew better, and I still did certain things. I think my biggest issue is I knew I'd find myself writing this post if I did any of the things I've done, yet I did them anyway.  Seriously, this post all but wrote itself.   I know me better than anyone (obviously) so I know there are certain things that I'm going to beat myself up over. I've recently done a couple of those things.  So, as I sit here having a pity party, I've decided I need to do another cleanse. I am not a bad person, I just do questionable things sometimes. Now, it's time to atone for some of the wrong I've done. Over the next 21 days I'm going to Fast. I'll only allow myself to eat fruits, vegetables and water. I love wine, and bread, and coke, and meat and all the other shit most folks love, so I know this is going to be a challenge. Right now I only eat vegetables because I should, not because I want to, so please know this will not be an easy feat.  I'll use these days to reflect and just take a long hard look at my life and try to change the things I don't like about myself.  I'm going to do my best to constantly remind myself that temporary joy can bring long lasting regret. Wish me luck.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Hating on Mr. Right

Do you have someone in your life who thinks they're right about EVERYTHING? I have several of those people in my life, but one in particular gets on my nerves in the worst way. His biggest problem is that on a daily basis he spends several hours around people who are content to let him think he's right about everything.  I'm the only person who consistently bothers to challenge him and his all knowing ass. I particularly hate the fact that he tries to act like just because I'm younger than him I'm just stupid as hell. Look, I'm very well aware that there are certain feeling and beliefs I have that will change once I'm older, but I'm also aware that your truth is not my reality. I'm almost 30 years old, there are some things I just don't like to do and that's okay. He acts as if everyone should love to do everything or else you're just limiting yourself because of some deep fear. Ugh. People suck sometime.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Late Bloomer

Okay, there's really no excuse for my laziness. I have all these thoughts that race through my mind daily and I really should be documenting these things, but lately I just haven't felt like it.  I know I promise to do better every time I post, but it has yet to happen.  I don't know what's going on with me. In a couple of months I'll be relocating from my lovely condo to a "roommate situation". This is a necessary evil. As you all know I've been itching to leave this city. The plan is to save some money so that I can be out of here sometime soon. I've gotta go. I feel like I'm stuck. But, it dawned on me the other day that I've always been a late bloomer. I didn't get breasts until I was like 15 years old and I didn't get my period until I was damn near 16. Looking back, that was awesome. If only I had known then what I know now....... Anyway, I know I'm not where I want to be in life, but I kinda feel like it's coming, it's just going to happen later than I'd like, as usual.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Past, Present and Future

Do you ever have one of those days where you have to address your past, present and future all at the same time?  Well, I just had one of those days. I recently had an annual for the first time in like five annuals.  I know, I know..... But hey, I'm uninsured.  What's a gal to do??  Anyway, I got all the tests done 2 weeks ago and let me tell you, waiting for the results was dreadful.  I haven't had an overly active sex life, but I've had more than one guy over the last 5 years. Not that you all care to know any of this, but whatever, I'm sharing it anyway.  All of my test results came back negative.  That's good, in case you were wondering.  I've always been really careful, but you just never know.
Waiting is the worst part.  It really causes you to mentally undress yourself.  I did that for two straight weeks and I'm glad it's over.  Other than slightly high blood pressure, I'm a healthy gal and that's really all I wanted to be.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Can We Still Be Friends?

So, the other day I had a very interesting conversation with a group of my girl and guy friends.  The conversation stemmed from Steve Harvey's first book "Act Like  a Lady, Think Like A Man.  We covered many different topics in the book, then we kinda went into things not concerning the book, just concerning relationships in general.  We got on the subject of  whether or not you can be friends with an ex, and whether or not males and females can just be friends. Obviously there are any number of places that conversation can go, and it went many places. As I've told you all before, I'm still friends with a lot of my exes.  This is mainly because we were friends before we decided to be anything else, and I've never had a bad break-up.  For whatever reasons we decide to go our separate ways, but it's never because something traumatic happened in the relationship. Sometimes, things just don't work out, and you realize you're better off as friends.  A lot of people believe you can't go back to being just friends. I do not agree with that opinion because I'm living proof that it can happen.
Anyway, I mentioned I had a two hour conversation a few nights before with my ex who now has a girlfriend. We don't talk very often, maybe once every other month just to catch up.  Everyone in the room had a fit!  The general responses was: "There's no reason he should be talking to any other woman that long." The consensus was, when you have a mate, your interactions with the opposite sex should never exceed more than a few minutes. (I'm exaggerating, but not as much as you may think)  That whole part of the conversation has been on my mind for days. (rambling from this point on)  Is it time that we start to do some things differently in relationships?  Why is it that we feel like we HAVE to be everything to our mate?  Why are we not willing to accept that there were people in his or her life before we came along and those relationships shouldn't totally end just because we're in the picture? Is it so wrong that he or she may be able to have random conversations with someone who isn't you? I constantly hear "he should be able to talk to me about everything." Look, let's not act like when you date or marry someone, you connect 100% on every level. Surely your mate has interests in things that you have no interests in, and that's fine.  Should he/she not be able to talk about these things with someone of the opposite sex?  Are we putting each other in positions to have to be dishonest?  Another thing I hear when I bring that up is, "you can't leave the door open, temptation is there and blah blah blah"  At the end of the day, we all have a choice.  If I don't really have a problem with my mate having a platonic relationship with a woman and he decides to leave me for her or whatever, that's on him.  I'm not going to absolve him of responsibility just because I said it's okay for them to still be friends and maintain a relationship.  He still had a choice to make. We all have choices, even in the most disadvantageous situations, there's still a choice to be made.  I guess what it boils down to for me, is trust.  I hope I have enough trust in my mate that when he says "she's a friend" I believe him.
I'm going to have to find a long term mate who is as unconventional as I am.  I'm willing to write my own rules in a relationship. I've always been that way. I think a lot of people only see black and white, but there's a lot of gray in this world and you have to be open to doing things that other people might give you the side eye about. Then again, should it matter what your friends think?  Who are you trying to please in your relationship? You and your partner, or the masses?

Monday, January 24, 2011

Be The Change

Yeah, I know.  I'm raggedy. Forgive me.

Why am I writing tonight?  I'm not really sure.  I've got a million things on my mind and that's a problem.  There's just too much uncertainty in my life right now.  While some people relish the thought of uncertainty, I'm just not mentally in that place lately.  I'm not feeling all whimsical and shit.  I'm not really in the mood to just take whatever life gives me.  I am beyond ready for life to give me what I want.  What I'm working toward.  I need a change.  I know this. You know this, mainly because when I do write, I bitch endlessly about it.  What's that famous quote? "Be the change you want to see?" Or something like that.  Yeah, that's what I'm working on.

As you know, I took steps long ago to balance two relationships that I felt like I'd completely lost control over.  Well, I really thought I'd solved most of the problems, and for the most part I did. (with one of them) But, it has been made painfully clear to me that there's still some work to be done.  I never, ever thought I'd get to the point where I would totally cut off communication with this particular person, but he's almost leaving me no choice.  I'm still not happy about where our friendship is.  There are some things I see in him that have really given me an understanding about why he has so many broken relationships.  I'm afraid he's going to be able to add one more to the list very soon.  If you keep running into the same problem with everyone, then clearly you're the problem.  You're the one constant in these failed relationships and until you acknowledge that, nothing will change. It's unreasonable to expect people to give you 100% when you're only willing to give 25%, but, here I sit contemplating my future relationship with someone who has that very mentality.  I don't know what's going to happen, I just know that I don't care as much as I used to.  There was a time when the thought of us not being friends would have had me all crying, and devastated and shit. That's not the case anymore.  I'm either becoming stronger, or colder. I suspect it's a thin line between the two.