Thursday, December 30, 2010

2010 Reflections, or Something Like That.

Sooooooooooooo, what a year! Isn't that what everyone says?  I'm not going to sit here and recap every memorable event from this year.  There was some good, and some bad, and I'm pretty much ready to let it be.  I'm excited about the future, next year and beyond. I'm ready for a major change.  I have no fear or reservations or any of the usual shit I experience that leads me to talk myself out of doing something "crazy".  I didn't do much in 2010, I just kinda took whatever it gave me.  I'm not going to do that next year.  I have a goals list and come hail or high water I'm going to reach most of them.  When I sat down to write tonight I had plans of talking about how all of the men I love I can't be in a relationship with for one reason or another, but now is just not the time.  It doesn't feel right, but that's definitely something that's been on my mind.  I have a lot of male friends and my female friends are always wondering why I don't date any of them.  The best answer I can give is every time I think about possibly going there with one of them, I remember that I know all of their dirty little secrets, and they know mine. On the one hand that's a good thing, but on the other hand it gives both of us reasons to pause.  I'll speak on this later.  I hope 2011 is sweet to us!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Walk To The Birthday Celebration That Never Ends

So today as I'm standing in line at the store waiting to checkout, there's a handicap man with crutches a couple of spots ahead of me.  He's moving kind of slow and the woman behind me is really irritated with having to wait.  Ummmm, bitch if you don't wanna wait in long lines then your ass shouldn't be shopping four days before Christmas, but whatever.  Anyway, when I finally made my way out of the store I see him walking out trying to catch up with the lady he came with. She instructs him to go what would be about 10 steps for the average able bodied person and to wait for her there.  As I turned to walk to my car that was parked damn near at the end of the parking lot, I used those few seconds to promise myself that I'll walk more. We should be so thankful that we have the use of our legs, unfortunately most of us aren't.  Well, it's not that we're not thankful, we just take the small things for granted.  We drive to places that we can see from our apartment complex. We drive from one end of the shopping center to the other end if the stores are too far apart.  We drive around the mall for several minutes looking for a parking space, completely ignoring the fact that we're going to be walking from one end of the mall to the other anyway so walking a few extra feet in the parking lot won't matter.  We're just a lazy society as a whole.  I'm going to work really hard to change that as far as I'm concerned.  It can be done,it needs to be done, so it shall be done.

While I was out trying to finish my Mother's Christmas shopping for her, I started thinking about what all had transpired from the beginning of December until now. One of my friends turned 30 today, but this birthday has been celebrated like three times.  Once out of the country, then this past weekend and apparently today too. I went to the first one, and the second one purely due to luck, had no intentions of going to the third one. I honestly felt like since I went to the first celebration, (the one that cost like $700) I shouldn't be obligated to go to any of the others.   I've already given you one weekend of my month, that should be enough.  I initially wasn't going to be able to make the second celebration due to the fact that I had one of my oldest friends in town from the UK and he was going to be leaving later that night.  Well his flight got canceled, so we were able to go.  I'm glad we went because we really did have a good time.  She kept trying to make me feel guilty all week for not being able to attend, but it wasn't working.  I'm kinda stubborn and when I don't want to be affected by something, I don't allow myself to be affected by it.  That's definitely hard to do at times, but this wasn't one of those times.  I was actually very annoyed that she kept making these little comments about my not being there.  I mean shit, I spent more money on her birthday this year than I've spent on my own damn birthday in the past 5 years. I'm low maintenance and I don't feel like people should have to shell out a lot of money just to celebrate with me.  Anyway, I felt like she was being really selfish by trying to guilt trip me and telling me how much I was breaking her heart and etc. But, I thought about it today and I came to the conclusion that more than anything, she just wanted to feel special on her birthday.  What better way to feel special than to be surrounded by people who have decided they're going to do whatever you want to do on that day? Don't get me wrong, there really was a lot of self absorption involved, but overall she just wanted to feel loved.  I wish I had come to this conclusion earlier that way I wouldn't have been on the verge of blanking on her for the last two weeks.  Whatever.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Trying To Get My Grove Back.

Soooooo after proclaiming I'm baaaaack, I went away again for like a week.  My bad.  I've been really lazy busy over the last week. Had a birthday to celebrate and one of my closest friends came to kick it with me for a couple of days.  I promise I'm going to fill you in on all of these things, but not tonight. This is supposed to be my online journal, but that's not really working out like I'd hoped it would.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I'm Baaaaaack!

Where did the time go???  My last post was like the week before Thanksgiving!  I didn't mean to stay away for so long, but sh*t happens.  Let's not dwell on why I was away, instead let's focus on how great it is that I'm back. I really have missed this.  Lord knows there are some things I should have been writing about, but due to circumstances beyond my control, and some completely in my control, I just wasn't able to write.

I was inspired to come back today because I finally made amends with this chick that I had been kinda beefing with for like two years. We weren't actually beefing so much as we just weren't on speaking terms. We have a lot of mutual friends and the holidays kinda make it difficult to avoid one another, so I thought it would be a good idea if we cleared the air a bit.  We had a simple email conversation and now it won't be totally awkward if we run into each other at a party.  I really don't want to go into 2011 with any unresolved relationship issues, so I'm glad that's over. We're not going to be bff's, but at least we'll be somewhat cordial when we're around each other. Moving on....

I've been kinda getting an itch to move to another  country.  I need a bit of an adventure.  It's not like I want to move away forever (although, never say never) but I do need to get out of the current city I live in.   I'm a little bored with this place.  I've given this city my twenties, I need to spread my thirties out.  I'm trying to be nomadic for a little while.  This is the perfect time for me to do it since I don't have any kids, relationships or a career holding me back.  I'm basically just wasting time right now to be honest. I need to do some major growing in 2011 because I just took whatever 2010 gave me. I'm trying to kill the old me and be reborn.  Blame Jim Rohn.  Yeah, I've been listening to his speeches and you can't tell me I can't conquer the world!!!  I really do feel inspired.  He motivated me to patch things up with ol girl. I could have probably gone my whole life with the awkward silence that ensues when we see each other, but I decided to go ahead and bury that hatchet for good and I feel much better.  So, I'm going to make this year a great year. I'm claiming it!!!!  I cannot be in the same position I'm in today, this time next year.  If I am, something went terribly wrong.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

What I Learned

Anytime you go through changes, those that are self induced or those that are thrust upon you, there's something to be learned.  When I started my thirty day cleanse I didn't really know what to expect during the process.  I knew why it needed to be done and I honestly thought the cleanse would be limited to just those reasons.  As it turns out, I discovered so many things about myself that were unrelated to the initial reason I began this process. As you know, I needed to balance two relationships that had gotten out of hand.  There wasn't anything crazy going on, but I had become so dependent on my Ex and my Homie that I just felt lost.  I realized one day that I was in these faux relationships and the only person whose life was being negatively impacted was mine.  I needed to take control of my happiness, and that's exactly what I did.

I now know that I don't NEED to talk to them everyday.  Prior to last month I honestly felt that since they're my friends and they make me happy, I needed to talk to them everyday to remain happy.   Well, I'm happy now and I haven't had constant communication with either of them. Don't misunderstand me, I didn't solve all of my problems in thirty days, but I'm happy with who I am.  When you all of a sudden have a lot of extra time on your hands, you can accomplish so much. The days didn't get longer, but I did begin to use the allotted hours in more effective ways. I began reading more, thinking more, and just spending more time with myself trying to figure out what makes me tick.  I even used that time to evaluate a few other friendships, and I found out that some things need to change with a few other people too. At the end of the day, it all starts with me.  I've got to do my part to make sure that I'm a better communicator and that I'm as good of a friend as I want people to be to me. If someone isn't holding up their end of the bargain then I need to be able to address that and deal with it accordingly.
There are things about myself that I'm making a genuine effort to change. I'm going to address problems as they arise. I'm going to be tactfully honest with people. I'm going to stop and think before I blank on someone if they make me mad. I'm not a hot head by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm really emotional and if you make me feel some kind of way, I let you know about it right then and there. I've gotta work on that. I want to be a better person and I'm the only one capable of making that happen.

Going forward I'd like to make this blog more interactive.  I know you guys and gals are reading because I see the stats on each post.  Now, I'd like you to open up and share some of your thoughts with me. Let's have some fun growing together. 

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Doing Me, Day 30: Wrapping Things Up

When I woke up this morning I only had one thing on my mind. Finish Strong! I got all jazzy for work because I knew I was taking myself out on a date and I didn't want to have to come home and change clothes. Well, the office manager had other plans. After a year of wearing anything I damn well pleased to work, she tells me today that I am not supposed to have on leggings.  Keep in mind I wear leggings all the time and so does my other coworker.  Surely you can understand how this caught me off guard.  Actually, it just plain old pissed me off.  Who would let a person or persons break the rules for over a year without saying something if the rule was really that important? No one, so that leads me to believe she was just trying to f*ck with me this morning.  That's all it was. The first thing out of her mouth was, "you look very nice today, but...."  She was just being a b*tch, which is not unusual.  Anyway, I work close to the job so I came home and changed clothes.  When I got back she came to my desk and apologized because she called the boss and asked her about it and the boss told her that we have been, and could continue to wear whatever we wanted as long as we weren't being inappropriate. It's all good though, as it turned out that would have been a waste of a really cute outfit considering where I ended up on my Me date. 

I went to this little bar and grill not far from my crib to get a drink, a bite to eat and watch some basketball and football.  I'm pretty sure the waitress brought me a virgin margarita, but she claims otherwise. I still don't believe her, but whatever. The wings were not very good either, contrary to what I was led to believe.  Then, just when I thought the night couldn't become anymore mediocre, in walks a group of loud, obnoxious middle aged men. Luckily for me they felt the need to sit right behind me. *rolls eyes*  As I sat there and listened to them form complete sentences using only four letter words, it became painfully obvious that my Me date was going to end early. I'm a pretty easy going person, but I had no intentions of being annoyed if it could be avoided.  I paid my check, endured a bit of harassment, and made my way home.

At some point over the weekend I will write a reflective post about all of the things I have learned over the past thirty days.  Believe it or not, I actually did learn quite a few things about myself.  Who knew so much could be accomplished in such a small amount of time?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Doing Me, Day 29: Finish Strong

Did you know it costs $14.50 to go see a 3D movie at Regal Cinemas?  That's ridiculous!  Now, had I been in the position to have to pay for myself, I would not have been seeing Saw 3D. I don't like horror movies anyway, I just went because a friend asked me to and he was paying.  I'm glad I got to find out how much 3D movies cost, so now the thought of going to see one on my dime will not ever cross my mind again.

My homegirls went to see the movie For Colored Girls and not a one of them has had anything to say about it.  Usually there are posts all over Facebook about how great of a time they had, but today there was nothing.  I even sent an email while I was at work asking how the movie was and I didn't get a response.  That's odd to say the least.  Either they didn't like it, or they just don't want to share their experience. *shrugs*

Technically I have 2 days left since I had to add a day to my cleanse.  I'm going to go on one last date with myself tomorrow night to toast the end of this journey.  I'm not sure where I will go, but I will be alone and I will be fly.  Gotta finish strong.  Yesterday I got invited to be on a radio show to talk about this whole experience, and I can't wait.  I'm really excited to share what I've learned about myself with others.  I'll give you the details about how to listen to the show when everything is confirmed.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Doing Me, Day 28: Really Dude?

Well, last night I ended my blog not knowing whether or not I was going to join my friends to go watch a movie that I had no interest in seeing.  The answer actually came to me soon after I posted that blog.  Prior to going to sleep I realized that I had inexplicably spent way too many minutes trying to talk myself into going to see that movie.  I actually talked to my best friend about it and he said, "You clearly don't want to see that movie, you've posted about it on your Facebook page and that's all you keep telling me. Sounds like your decision has already been made."  It was at that point that I decided to stop fighting myself and I said to hell with seeing the movie. 

Anyway, let me move on because I've just entertained a series of text messages that rubbed me the wrong way.  I'm not going to type them out word for word, but here's the gist of it: This young man whom I've only met once at a restaurant, only physically talked to once on the phone, only text messaged maybe once over the past two weeks, just asked if he could come to my place.  Prior to today I haven't seen nor heard a tale of this dude in well over a week, but I'm supposed to let him come to my house at 11:00 p.m.  *side eye* What are you smoking fool?  Aside from the fact that I don't know you, it's late and the only reason we're exchanging text messages is because I text you earlier to see how your weekend went.  Neither of us has given a genuine effort to get to know one another and we probably could at least be friends. We kinda hit it off the first time we met, and our only phone conversation was long and interesting enough. We both expressed a desire to get together and hang out, but since we never made any actual plans, nothing ever happened.  The point is, neither of us deemed the other person worthy enough to explore the possibility of a friendship.  Well, maybe that's kind of harsh. I've been busy, and given his line of work I assume he's been busy too, but if we were really interested then at least one of us would have made a phone call. I didn't not call him for any silly reason such as "he should pursue me" or whatever.  I honestly, just hadn't really thought about him.  I don't know what his reasoning was, and it doesn't much matter anyway.  The bottom line is neither of us tried.  I'm not sitting here trying to act holier than thou, like I'd never let a man come to my house all late, but in this instance it just wasn't happening. I have brothers and enough male friends to know better than to be appalled that he'd try to come through.   However, it was still annoying because practically speaking, it's rude as hell to ask someone to come to their house for the first time and it's damn near midnight.  Who does that?

On a lighter note, I talked to a friend who I have a phone conversation with maybe once per month and she said that she noticed a change in me.  She said I sound happier. That made me smile because I've really worked hard these past thirty days. I'm glad it's noticeable, because although I did it just for me, I still need a little confirmation that the things I think have gotten better are not just in my humble opinion. 

Monday, November 8, 2010

Doing Me, Day 27: Don't Say Yes When No Will Do

This past weekend the movie For Colored Girls was released.  Tyler Perry decided to convert the popular play into a movie.  It has an all star cast featuring the likes of Phyllicia Rashad, Kimberly Elise, and Whoopi Goldberg just to name a few.  It would seem like it's a no-brainer that a colored girl such as myself would go see this movie, right? Wrong.  I have some serious reservations about seeing this flick.  It has some really sad, dramatic, trifling shit happening. There's rape, back alley abortions and so on.  Drama, drama, drama!.  My main problem  is that these are the only types of movies that keep being released about colored girls.  Why can't we have one movie that features happy colored girls?  Don't we deserve a Sex and The City type of movie too?  Apparently not, because no one feels the need to make one.  Instead we get movies like Precious, which although critically acclaimed, paints some of the most horrendous pictures of strife that any person from any race could endure.  The whole movie was sad and I will never, ever watch it again.  The only redeeming thing about that movie for me was the fact that I went to a premier so I didn't have to pay for it.  I don't want to pay money to be sad.  I'm sorry, but that's not my idea of entertainment.  If I'm going to shell out twelve bucks for a movie, then I damn well prefer to leave the theater and not have to feel bad about these horrible things that happened to this fictional character.  Yes, we all have pain and emotional issues that we need to deal with, but we don't need to be reminded of it in the name of entertainment. Honestly, I don't go to the movies to get life lessons.  I go to the movies to take a two hour break from the bullshit that I endure daily.

My friends want to go to dinner then go see this movie.  Normally I'm all in favor of a group outing, but I'm just not feeling this.  As you all know I'm nearing the end of my thirty day cleanse. (if you don't know feel free to read some of the older posts)  I'm trying to finish strong and I just feel like this movie will put a huge damper on my mood and I don't need nor want that.  I feel like I've grown a lot in a short amount of time, as evidenced by the fact that my participation in girls night out is up in the air.  The old me would just suck it up and go to the damn movie, but I'm not that person anymore.  I adopted a motto a few months ago and it's really worked out well for me. "DON'T SAY YES, WHEN NO WILL DO".  I really do practice this, and that's how I keep myself from wasting my time doing shit I don't really want to do.  If I decide not to go see the movie with the gals, it won't be the end of the world.  They probably won't even miss me.   I'm not sure what my decision will be right now.  I guess we'll find out tomorrow night.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Doing Me, Days 24, 25 and 26: The Weekend

In case you haven't noticed, I don't really do too many posts on Fridays and Saturdays.  It's a traffic thing.  No one really reads them on those days for reasons I completely understand.  I'd rather just take mental notes and touch on a few things on Sunday night.

Day 24:  I took some serious me time on Friday night. I had the opportunity to go a couple of places, but I decided I would be better served to stay at home and just chill.  It worked out beautifully. I ended up staying up until 6:20 Saturday morning because I wanted to finish the book I had started called Manhunting, by Jennifer Crusie.  It was a cute book and it had a lot of laugh out loud funny parts.  I started reading it at 2 a.m. and the plan was to just read a chapter, but I wasn't really sleepy so I continued to read and before I knew it, it was after 6. It's not like I had anything pressing to do on Saturday anyway so it didn't hurt me to stay up all night.  My body pretty much only allows me to sleep about 4 good hours per night anyway, so I was up and at em again at a decent enough time.

Day 25:  Saturday was a lot of fun. I went to meet a friend for coffee and dessert and we just sat and talked for a couple of hours.  The desserts were good, a bit too sweet, but good. We hashed out a few things, so not only was it fun, it was also productive.  Those are the best kinds of conversations! Afterward, instead of heading home for the night I wound up at a male friend's place watching television and drinking.  We all know what late night drinking leads to....Just kidding, it didn't lead to that.  It could have, but cooler heads prevailed because we're just friends and last night just wasn't the time to change that.  I actually don't foresee that time ever coming.

Day 26:  Last night while having dessert and coffee, my friend and I got on the subject of church and how often we do or don't attend.  We share some of the same feelings about church attendance.  Here's the thing, I don't attend church very often. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I have some real issues with many of the churches I've attended since I've lived in this city.  It's not to say I don't enjoy church when I'm there, I do.  I love to hear choirs sing and if the pastor is good at delivering a message, that's terrific. I'm not really going to get into all of that though. I am very comfortable with my relationship with God.  I know what it is.  I hate it when people try to look down on me because I don't go to church every Wednesday and Sunday.  Just because you go to church, it does not mean you're nearer to God than I.   I don't think God is taking attendance at church anyway.  Let me handle my spirituality the way I see fit to handle it.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Doing Me, Day 23: You're Doing Too Much

So, I have this friend who has this incessant need to be liked.  She literally goes out of her way to make sure people think she's just the great friend or great random new girl that they just met.  Sometimes she's just real over the top.  She's a nice girl, but having known her for years I can tell when she's in her "let me make sure everyone thinks I'm the greatest most considerate person ever" mode. Knowing how easily she can flip the switch, it leads to me questioning her motives for doing anything.  I really hate that because I know some of the things she does are genuine, but lately I can't stop saying to myself, "She's just being real extra right now".  I really, really hate that it's come to this point.  I normally don't let it bother me when she's sashaying around acting like a Stepford Wife, but it's been getting on my nerves a lot lately. I'm not sure how to handle this situation because hell, she might not even realize she's doing it how much she does it.  The thing is, I've never liked girls who act like that. You know the chick who wants to be everyone's friend?  When you're a teenager it's understandable to want to be liked by everyone.  Unrealistic? Yes, but it is understandable. When you're 30 years old, you really shouldn't give a damn about who likes you and who doesn't. Not unless those people are important to you in some way, and even then you should draw a line somewhere.   When you start going above and beyond, bending over backwards to serve complete strangers, or people you just met through mutual friends,  then you're doing way too much.  I don't know if we'll ever address this.  I'm not sure there's a nice way to say "Quit being a fake bitch" but maybe I'd better find one.  Like I said a few posts ago, it's not good to let these things fester.  Stay tuned.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Doing Me, Day 22: Worrying vs Planning

Have you ever found yourself worrying about something that you're not even sure will be a problem when all is said and done?  Basically the"what if". What if this happens, then what will I do?  What if that happens, then what will I do?  Why do we worry ourselves sick before we let the entire situation play out?  It probably has something to do with the "Hope for the best, plan for the worst" mentality that a lot of us live by.  This sort of thinking has us crossing bridges before we even come to them.  Yes, more often than not it's better to have a plan than to not have one, but, it's a very thin line between planning for something and worrying about something.  Worrying is what we do when we don't have all of the details. Planning is what we do when we know what we're working with.  I personally struggle with worrying vs planning.  Tonight I finally realized I've spent way too much time worrying about things that in the end I had no reason to worry about.  I don't want to live like that because it's not healthy.  We all know worrying  promotes stress, and stress can lead to all kinds of bad things.  Sickness, poor decision making, wrinkles, and several other undesirable things. Obviously there are times when you can't help but worry, and we have to work on accurately identifying those times.   But, there are situations that we encounter daily that we let drive us damn near insane and in the end we find out we were worried for no reason.  The point I'm trying to make is, confirm the damn pregnancy before you sit around weighing your options. ;)

Sidebar:  No, I am not pregnant, nor have I been doing anything that could lead to pregnancy.  I'm just using that as an example. 

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Doing Me, Day 21: Nearing The End

Can you believe it's already been 21 days???  I know I can't! However did I get here? Wherever will I go afterward?  I've been wondering a lot about where this blog will go after this cleanse is over.  I honestly don't know, but I do have some ideas floating around in my head. Once I figure everything out, I'll let it be known.  I've enjoyed these 21 days.  I've laughed and cried. Felt happy and sad. Experienced anger and calmness.  I've pretty much tapped into every raw emotion within me. (Yes, I know there are a couple of fragments above)  I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.  I've spent a lot of time with myself so I've had a lot of time to think. To plot.  Things are going to come together real soon and hopefully I'll have the drive and focus that's needed to see these things through.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Doing Me, Day 20: Know When To Fold Em.

If I tell you I'm going to come slap the hell out of you, it will only trigger a minor emotional response because you don't know if I'm serious.  If I walk up and slap the hell out of you, it will definitely trigger a huge emotional response because I actually did it.
I bring that up to say, it's time that we start believing what people show us instead of what they tell us, especially if those two actions don't match.  Why do we constantly talk ourselves out of believing what we know is true??  Are we so starved for a "happy ending" that we're willing to swallow gigantic amounts of bullshit in an effort to make it happen? Why do we talk our home girls into believing the bullshit he's feeding them?  Why do we let our home girls talk us into believing the bullshit he's feeding us?  Why can't we just accept what he's showing us?  We waste so much time on men who are unworthy and it's so unnecessary.  We pray and ask God for signs, and when we get those signs we completely ignore them. Or, we interpret them in a way that fits what we want to believe. God all but comes and sits down beside us and tells us what to do, yet we still do the opposite.  Then we sit on the bed crying and wondering why. Deep down we know why.  It's because we ignored the red flags, and more importantly when the guy showed us who he really was we didn't believe him.  We have no one to blame but ourselves.  We have to break this cycle.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Doing Me, Days 17, 18 and 19: Trust The Process

OMG I'm such a slacker!  I owe you 3 days and here they are.

Day 17:  Remember how I told you my friend was completely gone? Well, she's back.  I know how this must sound to you because it sounds the same way to me every time I hear it.  I think she finally got fed up with the back and forth.  "Baby I love you and I only wanna be with you, I'm so afraid of losing you"  he says basically every Monday.   She falls for it every time, because hey, that's what she wants to hear. Then, later in the week "Baby I'm scared, I just don't wanna hurt you or disappoint you".   Every time it appeared she was ready to move on he'd hit her with some of that "baby you're the one" bullshit.  I honestly hope she's willing to stick to her decision moving forward.  I know this isn't the happy ending she envisioned, but maybe it's for the best.  I truly believe so many of us hold onto former loves because it's just easier to believe the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with is someone you already know.  Love is a wonderful thing, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of the unknown.  It's scary to think about giving your heart to someone new. What if you still don't get your happy ending?  I know there's always something to learn in any relationship, but there comes a point when you're tired of not being anyone's choice.  Perhaps things would be easier if we'd only unlearn all of the bullshit we were taught when we were 6 years old.  By my calculations (if we're going off the fairytales) my Prince Charming is about 12 years late.  Maybe he's stuck in traffic.

Day 18:   It was a beautiful day around the city so I got out pretty early.  I didn't have anything in particular to do early in the day, so I just bummed around the mall a little and went to a few shoe stores.  I didn't buy anything believe it or not. I still had fun.  Later in the evening I made my way to a basketball game.  I was having issues getting inside because the young lady who was supposed to leave my ticket at Will Call didn't! It's all good though, I finally got in touch with her and I made my way inside.  Afterward I had big plans to go out and enjoy the city.  Things didn't quite work out like that. I was home by 11:30.  I completely lost the urge to go out once it was time to actually do it.  I guess I'm getting old. *shrugs*.

Day 19:  So my friend and I have these philosophical differences about the things people "should just know"  I know that type of thinking has caused a lot of unnecessary confusion in my life.  What I've learned as I've gotten older is not to assume people know anything.  Sometimes people don't know that you think things should be a certain way unless you tell them.  Especially in a situation where what's right and what's wrong is completely subjective.  My friend claims she's going to restart her thirty day cleanse today.  I'd just like her to try to make it one week at this point.  She seems to be confused about why I'm doing this and why she needs to do it.  She thinks this whole experiment is pointless and I'm going to go back to having the same relationship with the Ex and the Homie that I've always had.  I know in my heart that's not true.  One of the main points of this cleanse is to prove to myself that my life can go on and I can feel happy without talking to these two individuals everyday, several times per day. I needed to balance these relationships.  I'm a little more than halfway through this process and I already know it can be done.  Even when I had my moment of weakness two weeks in, I still felt like I could achieve this goal and change my life for the better.  I'm still on track, and I will get there!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Doing Me, Days 15 and 16: Moving On

Day 15: I didn't get to blog yesterday because  time kinda got away from me.  The only thing of note that happened was I talked to one of my exes.  He's a real character. I don't mind talking to him, but sometimes I wonder if it's healthy for me to still be friends with my exes. Not that I want to have relationships that end so badly that we hate the sound of each other's name, but it may not be healthy for me to still have what can be defined as friendships with former lovers.  I've never had a really bad break up, therefore I'm constantly being reminded of my past due to a phone call, email, text message or some random communication.  I probably need to reach a point with some of these dudes where it's like, okay I don't hate you, but we're not going to talk anymore. 

Day 16:  My friend is totally, completely gone.  I mean head over heels there's no talking her out of this situation, gone.  I'm happy for her for as long as she's happy.  The problem is, I've seen and heard this before.  I really hope things turn out differently than they have before, because that's what she truly wants.  I have this other friend who celebrated a birthday today. She got 300 Facebook posts, 50 voicemails and yet something was missing. She didn't get a post, or email, or voicemail from the one person she really hoped to hear from.  It's really hard when you've spent so many years loving someone and one day it finally hits you that the love they once had for you has dissipated.  I've been there before and it's not a good feeling.  Maybe this slight will serve as a harsh wakeup call that it truly is time to let the past be the past.  No more rendezvous or random movie nights or anything of the sort. When someone has been a part of your life for so many years, sometimes it's hard to imagine going through days without them.  We sometimes feel that some kind of relationship is better than no relationship at all.  Day by day I am beginning to think that's not the case.  Some people just need to be cut out of your life all together so that you can move on. Now I need to sit back and take a long hard look at some of my relationships and do away with some of the dead weight.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Doing Me, Day 14: Moment of Weakness

Last night I had a moment of weakness.  I called the Ex.  He's in a foreign country so it was really early over there, but I just needed to talk to him. I had a rough day yesterday and as I lay in bed, tears just started falling uncontrollably.  I really tried to fight the urge to call, but I just couldn't help myself. I knew he was just the person who could make me feel better or at the very least calm me down.  He did exactly what I needed him to do.  He sat on the phone and listened to me cry.  I suppose that means I need to add another day to my thirty days. Done.  I'm not going to make excuses.  The truth is I was sad and feeling so alone and I didn't want to feel that way.  He's kinda like a security blanket.  I'm still working toward not needing him to be that person, but hey it's process.  I can no longer make fun of my friend, although since she's completely abandoned the process and now talks to her beau everyday, I'm still in a better place than her. Small victory.
Then, this morning the Homie sent me a text. Since I'd already broken the rules, I sent him a response.  He said "miss you". I said, "miss you too".  I'm going to try to get back on track.  The mission is still the same. I just had a hiccup.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Doing Me, Day 13 continued: Take A Day

There is so much I need to touch on tonight, so forgive me in advance for my rambling.  The easiest and perhaps only way for me to get these thoughts out in a coherent fashion is probably to pose a question then expound on it. Does that work for you? Cool.

1. How do you know what you need to work on in order to become a better person if no one ever tells you?  We all say we want people to be honest with us about everything, but that can't be true.  You know why?  Because no one makes a habit of telling their family or friends their flaws unless they're asked to do so.  We're all content to live day after day thinking the way we behave is just peachy, when in reality we could do so much better if only someone would point out the things we can't see because of our blind spots.  We all have blind spots and unfortunately the only time things become clearer to us is because of an argument. An argument that possibly could have been avoided if someone had just told us the shit we're doing that's rubbing them the wrong way.  Instead we let things fester and before you know it, you're trying to address multiple things that made you mad recently, and that will get you nowhere.  Let's try to address things individually, and as they happen to insure a little argument doesn't turn into a big argument.  Addressing the issue head on is just one of many steps.  It doesn't mean at the end of the conversation you're both going to be on one side of the fence.  There are some things that you just will not agree on, and that's okay.  Speak your piece, let them speak their piece and at the end of it if you have to agree to disagree, so be it.

2. When someone tells you what you need to work on, how receptive are you?   This is another complicated issue. When two people have an argument about character flaws (for lack of a better description) any number of things can happen afterward.  Speaking from personal experience, there are two things that are likely to happen. You either walk away and really take into account the things they say you need to work on, decide if you agree that you could do better, then actually try to do better. Or, you walk away and after you've both calmed down you forget the argument ever happened and you carry on doing the same things you've always done until the next time you get into an argument about it.  Since I firmly believe we're content doing what we do, I'm going to say the latter happens more frequently than the former.  I had an argument today with my best friend. While we weren't able to reach any common ground, I did take into account some of the things he pointed out to me.  That's why the title of this particular post is "Take A Day".  I'm a very emotional person and most of the time I let you know exactly how I feel at the exact moment I feel that way.  People are always saying don't do this or say that when you're angry, but what I've really come to find out about myself is I still feel the same way the next day 90% of the time. I'm not saying it's right and it's probably directly connected to my stubbornness, but it is what it is.  That doesn't mean taking a day to think about it won't help me.  At the very least it will allow me to choose better words and maybe leave out some unnecessary profanity.  This is something I genuinely need to work on and for the first time I'm actually willing to do so. Sidebar: Not every person's opinion of you matters. For instance, I couldn't care less what the office manager at my job thinks about me.  I don't like her and she doesn't like me. That's about the only thing we can agree on and that's fine with me.  You get to decide whose opinion you value. Try to be receptive to those people's criticisms.

There's so much more I want to get into tonight, but I'll save it for another blog. I'm going to work on managing my emotions.  I knew this thirty days would be enlightening, I just didn't know so many things would hit me at once.  I'm also going to challenge myself to be more honest with the people in my life.  If they're doing something that bothers me, I'm going to let them know in as tactful a way as possible.  I'm going to encourage them to do the same.  I would like to challenge you to be more honest with your loved ones as well. The things that they do that drive you crazy, likely drive someone else crazy too.  You can't fault someone for not fixing a problem that they aren't aware even exists. Let's try to do better.

Doing Me, Day 13: Part One

We're not even half away through Day 13, but it's one of the harder days I've had in a while.  I really really want to talk to the Homie today.  I'm going through something that only he would understand.  Well obviously he's not the only person who has the capacity to understand it, but he's very familiar with the situation so he'd know exactly why I feel the way I feel.   It's nothing earth shattering, it's just something I'd like to talk to him about.  Today is hard, but I will make it through this.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Doing Me, Day 12

Today was a real chill day.  I didn't do anything of substance. I realized that I've been carrying on the past couple of days with barely a thought of The Ex or The Homie.  That's a beautiful thing.

Doing Me, Days 10 and 11: Partying

So, I didn't blog yesterday and I came dangerously close to not blogging tonight. I could blame it on staying out late partying with my friends, which I actually did, but I honestly just didn't feel like it when I finally got home.  I didn't rush right to sleep or anything so there's really no excuse.  Anyway, I'm back now so I'll just kill two birds with one stone.

Day 9 was a really nice day.  I went to an art exhibit with my friend and her boyfriend (who also happens to be my brother) and then we went to this little bar to see Ruby Velle perform.  She's awesome by the way.  The bar scene had disaster potential. At first it was just me and them, but as the night progressed more an more couples showed up, four in all.  So there I sat and stood in between 4 different couples.  What a nightmare! Nah, it wasn't that bad, but I would rather have not been in that situation to be quite honest.  It turned out okay though.  I had a great time and I saw another side of this city I live in.

Day 10 was full of fun and excitement! I actually went and hung out a few places by myself. After a couple of stops I found myself at this restaurant/bar/cigar lounge. I wanted to go some place to watch the Auburn/LSU game. (Cam Newton is a monster in case you didn't know)  I was sitting at my table alone watching the game and in walks former NBA player Charles Oakley. At first I wasn't completely sure it was him, but seriously, what are the odds of there being two abnormally tall men who look like Oak?  Anyway, He said hi, I said hi and he walked back into the cigar lounge.  About an hour later he walked out and he walks towards me and says "You're still alone? Where's your date? I know you didn't get stood up. I laughed and said "nooooooo I didn't get stood up, I'm alone by choice, haha" He said okay and he left.  That whole little exchange was hilarious to me and it made my day.  Afterward, I went home and got dressed for a night on the town with my girls.  We danced all night and now my feet are killing me! The next time we go out dancing I'm wearing Chuck's and jeans.  I don't care where we go.  We had a really good time and there was some eye candy in the place. What more could a gal ask for?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Doing Me, Day 9: Little Distractions

"I just wanted to let u know I miss u".  I got that text from the Homie this morning.  It made me smile because I'm honestly happy he misses me. It actually made me giggle too. Then, I had to make a decision. Do I respond? On the one hand, I shouldn't respond because I wanted to have thirty days of no contact.  On the other hand, I could say something to at least acknowledge that I received the text message.  It was quite a distraction to be honest.  I sat there and looked at the phone contemplating my next move.  I sent the text to my friend. Her response was, "Ignore! LOL"  I found that to be hilarious coming from someone who has completely abandoned the thirty day plan and now has a visit scheduled with her beau. Sidebar: I hope it works out for them.  I really hope they make a decision one way or the other.  The back and forth is not good for anyone.  I'm really afraid she's going to end up agreeing to something that her heart doesn't want to agree to, but I can't worry about it.  We'll cross whatever bridge we come to at the appropriate time.
Later on when she and I were chatting online she told me to respond to his text.  "What if something happens to him or you?  Will your thirty days seem so important then?"  My response was, "The Homie knows I love him.  I told him that everyday, even when we were fighting. It's the last thing I told him before I informed him we would not be speaking for thirty days. Anyway, this is not about him. The thirty days are for me. I've gotta try to see this through."  Then I told her that she's a hopeless romantic and she's the last person I need to be getting advice from at this point.  She knows this is a struggle for me. Considering she's already completely abandoned the plan and we're not even 10 days in, she'd probably try to convince me to call him.  She's not the person I need as an adviser. Our little chat did get me to thinking though. Is there a way I can keep "doing me" and not completely cut off all communication with the Homie?  I honestly don't think I can. I mean, I could try, but any attention I give to him would be less attention I'm giving to myself.  I just can't sacrifice that right now.  It's hard.  I can't say it's harder than I thought it would be, because I never thought it would be easy.  I just know it's hard.  I used to talk to this young man all day everyday. It's been quite an adjustment to not be able to call him on a whim and I know it's been an adjustment for him as well.  I think we'll both get through it and we'll be better afterward. At least that's my hope.
Right now I completely shut it down when I start thinking about the Homie or the Ex.  I literally tell my self to snap out of it.  I'm trying to get to a point where it's okay to have a passing thought about them, but I can't let it linger. I'm a work in progress. I hope you'll hang in there with me.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Doing Me, Day 8: Sharing

Ladies, as I sat on my couch talking with one of my friends who so graciously stopped by to kick it for a while, I realized WE need to open up and tell our stories more.   You never really know all of what someone has gone through, but I find that among me and my friends, some of our stories are very similar.  Besides, God did not put us here to go at IT alone. If you don't have friends in your life who you can share your pain, joy and everything in between with, then you need a new group of friends.  This is not up for debate.  We need to stop holding onto the various life experiences that helped mold us into the people we are today. Let's share these things so that they aren't weighing us down; and it might actually help our friends to better understand why we are the way we are about certain things.  You don't have to share your life experiences with all of your friends, but share them with at least one.  Or hell, share your story with a stranger.  I've had some of the most uninhibited conversations of my life with people I don't know. I never intend to share my life story with strangers, but sometimes we just get in the flow of the conversation and it can't be avoided.
This is all a part of my process to become a better version of myself over the next twenty plus days.  I feel good about where I am and where I'm headed.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Doing Me, Day 7

Day 7 was a lot of fun! My friend who's also doing a thirty day cleanse was driving through the city on her way back to Florida and she stopped so we got a chance to sit and laugh for a while. We really do have a lot of fun together.  She's been cheating and communicating with her beau.  I've just decided to accept that she's not going to be able to completely cut off the lines of communication, mainly because she's not trying to.  It's all good though.  Now that I've accepted her fate I can completely focus on my goal. 

Monday, October 18, 2010

Doing Me, Day 6

Today in and of itself was not very interesting, but I did find myself in an interesting conversation with my friend who's supposed to be going through a thirty day cleansing of her own.  It got me to wondering if we should begin to evaluate the men we love or are in love with from the outside looking in.
When you're all starry eyed and in love with someone, day by day it becomes increasingly harder to see their flaws. As a matter of fact, it's more likely that it just becomes increasingly easier to ignore their flaws.
We seem to misremember a lot of the details surrounding our past loves and why we aren't in that relationship today.  I mean if they were as great in real life as they are in our minds, then shouldn't we still be together?  I know that the Ex is nowhere near as wonderful of a person in reality as he is in my mind.  I'm not completely delusional, but it doesn't change the fact that I've allowed myself to look the other way and act like I don't know some of the shit he does is just wrong on several levels.

The Homie is a sociopath, plain and simple.  Yet, I find myself putting up with absolute bullshit from him, all the while excusing it because he's one of my best friends and I love him.  "He's just young and dumb" I tell myself.  "He doesn't know any better". The truth of the matter is he's an adult and he knows right from wrong.  We need to quit accepting and enabling such behavior.
I can already see the ways our relationship is going to change.  I can't coddle The Homie anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I tell him when he's on some bullshit, but I do it in a nice loving way. That's over.  I'm going to have to handle him like an adult moving forward.
I'm on the verge of taking complete control of my happiness. Are you?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Doing Me, Day 5

Today was a beautiful day.  The weather was perfect, neither hot nor cold.  It was just perfect. I met one of my good friends for coffee this evening and we had great conversation as usual.  She's in the process of moving to the left coast and I'm going to miss her terribly.  We always get together every few weeks for dinner, coffee or something random.  She's one of the people I can talk to about The Ex and the Homie because she understands me.  We sit and talk out whatever issues we're experiencing at the time and usually one of us has a "come to Jesus" moment where everything just makes sense.  Sometimes you just need to talk it out with a friend before you decide the best way to approach a problem.  She's definitely had a hand in helping me deal with certain things and I'm proud to say I've had a hand in helping her deal with things too.  It's nice to have that friend who you can be completely honest with because you know she/he is not judging you.  You also know she/he is listening to you with the intent of hearing you and not just with the intent of responding.
I spent a lot of time with myself today prior to going to have coffee. It truly was a day of Doing Me. I look forward to seeing what this week holds for me. I'm going to try to make it great.  I encourage you to do the same.

Doing Me, Day 4.

Well, we have an interesting development. The last time I talked to the Homie I was reassuring him that it's okay for him to have a girlfriend.  He's a ladies man to put it mildly, and he's young so he has been hell bent on not getting into another relationship. His biggest problem is that he does want a relationship, he just doesn't want the responsibility of a relationship. He doesn't want to be accountable to anyone................until now.  He recently told me that he had started kicking it with this girl he used to kick it with a long time ago from his hometown.  With a little prodding, it seems he has accepted the fact that it's okay to like someone enough to want to be in a relationship with them.  They are supposed to be coming to my city next weekend just to hang out.  He and I have a mutual friend with whom we are both extremely close that's how I found out about this trip.  He told him to relay the message to me.  I decided that in this thirty days I was going to have no direct contact with the Ex or the Homie so I'm not going to see him.  Would I like to see him? Of course, he's one of my best friends, but this is a process that I've committed to and I'm going to stick with it.
My friend who is supposed to be going through this with me had a moment of weakness today.  She responded to a text message from the guy who's pulling all of her strings.  I'm disappointed, but she says she's going to get back on track and that it was only one message.   I have no choice but to believe her at this point. I'm really in no position to judge her because hell, I haven't made it through the thirty days yet.  Who's to say I won't have a moment of weakness. There have been many instances in the past 4 days that I've wanted to call both of these guys and share some random story that I'd normally share with them, but luckily I didn't. Life would be so much easier if our friendship was just a friendship.  Sadly it is not. My friendship with both of these guys is very layered.  There's a lot of history and a lot of emotion involved and it does affect my day to day life. It has to stop.  While I don't want either friendship to end, my hope is that at the end of this journey our friendships will be very different.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Doing Me, Day 3

When you look good, you feel good.  I'm going to go ahead and write that in indelible ink somewhere.  I had a pretty good day today.  I still haven't had contact with the Ex or the Homie. They're both respecting my hiatus just as I asked them to do.  It's actually been quite refreshing to sit around not thinking about someone all day for one reason or another.  This would be a lot harder if they still insisted on inserting themselves into my daily routine, but they're staying away for now.  While it's only Day 3, I'm confident I'll be able to stick to my plan.  I'm sure it will get harder as the days go by because I'm so used to sharing certain things with these guys, but I can deal with it.  No one said it would be easy.
I went to a restaurant to watch the game with one of my homeboys.  I hadn't seen him in a while so it was good to catch up.  I'm going to try to get out by myself a bit this weekend.  Or, I'm going to just stay home by myself.  Either way, I need some serious me time. I've gotta date myself so I can find out exactly what makes me tick.  What do I like, love, hate, need to change about myself?  These are questions that need to be answered and they can't be until I spend time with myself. My friends may not take kindly to me going at it alone, but it's something more single gals should try. Don't believe me?  Try it yourself.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Doing Me, Day 2.

Day 2 of "Doing Me"  was a decent day.  Aside from realizing I need to get my relationships in order, I also realized I need to get my (please forgive me for using this overused word) swagger back. I've just been going through the motions for months, but that needs to change.  I used to get up and get all cute for work even though no one aside from my coworkers was going to see me, but for some reason I just stopped doing that.  Actually, that's the exact reason I stopped.  No one was going to see me so why in the hell was I getting up early getting all jazzy for no reason? I've basically morphed into this person who only goes to work looking cute when I have somewhere to go afterward. 
I realized a long time ago that the way I present myself is directly attached to the type of day I'm going to have.  It's no coincidence that the days I was going somewhere were better days than the days I was just going home.  It probably sounds superficial, but when I look good, I feel a lot better about myself.  I like to think of myself as being pretty confident, but when I look good I feel really confident.  I've let something so simple to control get way out of control.  I've got to get back to being the girl who always looks jazzy. I went to work looking really cute today and  I wasn't going anywhere afterward.  It turned out to be a pretty good day. Consider me on rinse and repeat mode right now. I will be fabulous or close to it from now on.
A friend of mine is supposed to be going through this month long cleansing with me.  She's got her own issues right now and she needs to regain some control over her life as well.  Luckily for her she's only got one guy to contend with, but this one guy is her first, perhaps only real love.  While my ex is my first love too, there's little to no chance of us being together.  Her situation isn't completely hopeless other than the fact that he lacks the drive and or imagination to live life any differently than the way he's always known.  She's willing to try, he isn't. The problem is he still wants to be her friend and talk to her everyday.  That may work for some people, but it can't work in this situation.  It just can't.  I know she wants and deserves better and deep down she knows it too.  She's going to try to completely detach herself from the situation over the next month, but I'm a little skeptical about whether or not she can stick with it.  Hell, there's no guarantee I'll stick with it, but I think I'm a bit more stubborn than she is and when I'm completely committed to something I find a way to make it work. I'm going to try my best to make sure we both get through this and hopefully at the end of it we'll be better Single Gals.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Doing Me.

Last night I decided I need to reevaluate my relationship with a couple of specific members of the opposite sex.  There are two men who unknowingly have way too much control over my current love life.  It's not their fault that I've allowed this foolishness to go on, but now I need to take control of the situation.
One of them is my Ex from more than a handful of years ago. We really only broke up because I moved away, but I still felt like we'd find our way back to each other, so we've remained very close friends.  Too close.  Is there a realistic chance of us having a happy ending?  Nope.  Having acknowledged that a long time ago, one would be well within their rights to question my sanity. If I've known nothing is going to come of it, why have I continued to love him? (shrugs)  I pretty much use him as "the standard" for the man I covet.  I want someone who can make me feel the way he makes me feel.  He "gets" me.  He's smart and funny and silly, but not in an obnoxious way.  I'm not a superficial gal so I don't care about material things, but if I did he could provide those too. However, for many many reasons we will not be together so it's time for me to make him an afterthought.
The other guy is one of my best friends. I do know that I love him dearly as a friend, but there's also a small possibility that I'm in love with him.  One thing I know for sure is that I've become way too dependent on his friendship. We have a strange relationship that I couldn't make you understand even if I tried.  On the surface we seem like a couple, but I assure you we are not.   We've come to an impasse recently and it's time to make some tough decisions. He and my Ex have filled the emotional void in my life that a boyfriend would normally fill. It's almost like I forget I'm single at times because they're always there when I need to talk or when I need anything, excluding sex.  We've at least agreed to keep that out of the equation, but the other stuff is problematic enough. 
I'm comfortable being single, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a relationship. I don't long for one, but I would like a companion. Since I have these two men in my life I rarely put myself in position to meet someone new. I know this may sound crazy, but I need to feel single so I'll actually be able to create the possibility of a relationship; or at least be able to recognize when the possibility is there.
I'm going to take the next month to get my feelings in check and take complete control over my happiness. I'm not a sad single gal, but I still need to work on fully embracing my singleness. I used to go out alone all the time, but over the past year I've slacked off of me time and started inviting one or more of my friends to tag along. I've gotta get back to being a one woman show, and I fully intend to do that over the next thirty days. I hope you'll join me on this journey.


Sunday, October 10, 2010

Welcome to Silly Single Gal

I’m new to this, not new to blogging, just new to blogging about the things that ail the single gal.  I’m seasoned enough to know that first post should be somewhat introductory. Honestly, there’s not a lot to tell.  I’m a twenty- something year old single gal trying to better understand why I’m single and hopefully get you to open up about your dating life as well.  This blog is not about pointing fingers.  It’s about understanding why I/we do some of the strange things I/we do in the name of love or in the name of finding love. I plan on posting at least once per week and hopefully these posts will encourage friendly dialogue. Feel free to comment anytime.  You can also reach me on Twitter @sillysinglegal or feel free to email me at