So, I have this male friend who always seems to find himself in precarious situations with women. He's always telling me that it isn't his fault that they catch feelings, because he tells them in the beginning he isn't looking for a relationship. My argument to him is always, "but you're actions don't say that" Well, last night I was on the phone with a friend and I finally see where he's coming from. I still kinda think it's bullshit, but I understand a little better.
My homegirl has been seeing this guy for around six months and things have been steady enough. It's to the point where he has a key to her place, she has a key to his. He drives her car, she drives his, and they spend at least 5 nights per week together. Sounds like a relationship, right? (I don't know about you, but I'm not giving a key to my condo to some random ass dude) However, I talked to her the night before last and she was telling me how he kept saying he didn't want to "label" what they were doing. Now ladies, we all know what that means. The long and short of it is, he doesn't want to label it, so that way he can still date other women. Then, if you try to question him about it, he can hit you with the "but you and I aren't in a relationship." I've never seen this work out any other way. Accuse me of painting with a broad brush, but you're going to have to give me an example to the contrary. Anyway, she found out last night that he's been seeing this other chick and she's devastated. I sat on the phone and listened to her cry for quite a while. I don't mind doing that because lord knows there are friends of mine who have been an ear for me. I couldn't help but think back to our previous conversation, and that's where my homeboy's feelings made sense to me. She kept saying he didn't offer any explanation and she just KNOWS they're more than friends because of all the stuff I mentioned above. I mean, we're all passed the point where we have to say "will you go with me?" But, a conversation about where you stand still needs to be had. Even though you begin dating and things progress to the point where you're exchanging keys and etc., you still have to establish some boundaries. They'd clearly had this conversation before and she clearly didn't take him at his word.
On the other hand, I tend to believe actions speak louder than words and I think that's why she's so hurt. As far as she's concerned, they were in a relationship. They were doing relationship type things, so it's a little disingenuous for him to now act as if he doesn't owe her any explanation. Prior to last night, I wouldn't have been trying to hear what him or my homeboy were saying, but it makes sense to me now. I'm trying to look at this objectively, which is hard because she's my friend, but I have to acknowledge that he has a point. So I guess in the end, we have to start listening to what people tell us, even if their actions scream something different. I know that doesn't make sense, but that's where we are right now.