"I just wanted to let u know I miss u". I got that text from the Homie this morning. It made me smile because I'm honestly happy he misses me. It actually made me giggle too. Then, I had to make a decision. Do I respond? On the one hand, I shouldn't respond because I wanted to have thirty days of no contact. On the other hand, I could say something to at least acknowledge that I received the text message. It was quite a distraction to be honest. I sat there and looked at the phone contemplating my next move. I sent the text to my friend. Her response was, "Ignore! LOL" I found that to be hilarious coming from someone who has completely abandoned the thirty day plan and now has a visit scheduled with her beau. Sidebar: I hope it works out for them. I really hope they make a decision one way or the other. The back and forth is not good for anyone. I'm really afraid she's going to end up agreeing to something that her heart doesn't want to agree to, but I can't worry about it. We'll cross whatever bridge we come to at the appropriate time.
Later on when she and I were chatting online she told me to respond to his text. "What if something happens to him or you? Will your thirty days seem so important then?" My response was, "The Homie knows I love him. I told him that everyday, even when we were fighting. It's the last thing I told him before I informed him we would not be speaking for thirty days. Anyway, this is not about him. The thirty days are for me. I've gotta try to see this through." Then I told her that she's a hopeless romantic and she's the last person I need to be getting advice from at this point. She knows this is a struggle for me. Considering she's already completely abandoned the plan and we're not even 10 days in, she'd probably try to convince me to call him. She's not the person I need as an adviser. Our little chat did get me to thinking though. Is there a way I can keep "doing me" and not completely cut off all communication with the Homie? I honestly don't think I can. I mean, I could try, but any attention I give to him would be less attention I'm giving to myself. I just can't sacrifice that right now. It's hard. I can't say it's harder than I thought it would be, because I never thought it would be easy. I just know it's hard. I used to talk to this young man all day everyday. It's been quite an adjustment to not be able to call him on a whim and I know it's been an adjustment for him as well. I think we'll both get through it and we'll be better afterward. At least that's my hope.
Right now I completely shut it down when I start thinking about the Homie or the Ex. I literally tell my self to snap out of it. I'm trying to get to a point where it's okay to have a passing thought about them, but I can't let it linger. I'm a work in progress. I hope you'll hang in there with me.