Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Doing Me.

Last night I decided I need to reevaluate my relationship with a couple of specific members of the opposite sex.  There are two men who unknowingly have way too much control over my current love life.  It's not their fault that I've allowed this foolishness to go on, but now I need to take control of the situation.
One of them is my Ex from more than a handful of years ago. We really only broke up because I moved away, but I still felt like we'd find our way back to each other, so we've remained very close friends.  Too close.  Is there a realistic chance of us having a happy ending?  Nope.  Having acknowledged that a long time ago, one would be well within their rights to question my sanity. If I've known nothing is going to come of it, why have I continued to love him? (shrugs)  I pretty much use him as "the standard" for the man I covet.  I want someone who can make me feel the way he makes me feel.  He "gets" me.  He's smart and funny and silly, but not in an obnoxious way.  I'm not a superficial gal so I don't care about material things, but if I did he could provide those too. However, for many many reasons we will not be together so it's time for me to make him an afterthought.
The other guy is one of my best friends. I do know that I love him dearly as a friend, but there's also a small possibility that I'm in love with him.  One thing I know for sure is that I've become way too dependent on his friendship. We have a strange relationship that I couldn't make you understand even if I tried.  On the surface we seem like a couple, but I assure you we are not.   We've come to an impasse recently and it's time to make some tough decisions. He and my Ex have filled the emotional void in my life that a boyfriend would normally fill. It's almost like I forget I'm single at times because they're always there when I need to talk or when I need anything, excluding sex.  We've at least agreed to keep that out of the equation, but the other stuff is problematic enough. 
I'm comfortable being single, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a relationship. I don't long for one, but I would like a companion. Since I have these two men in my life I rarely put myself in position to meet someone new. I know this may sound crazy, but I need to feel single so I'll actually be able to create the possibility of a relationship; or at least be able to recognize when the possibility is there.
I'm going to take the next month to get my feelings in check and take complete control over my happiness. I'm not a sad single gal, but I still need to work on fully embracing my singleness. I used to go out alone all the time, but over the past year I've slacked off of me time and started inviting one or more of my friends to tag along. I've gotta get back to being a one woman show, and I fully intend to do that over the next thirty days. I hope you'll join me on this journey.


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