Sunday, October 31, 2010

Doing Me, Days 17, 18 and 19: Trust The Process

OMG I'm such a slacker!  I owe you 3 days and here they are.

Day 17:  Remember how I told you my friend was completely gone? Well, she's back.  I know how this must sound to you because it sounds the same way to me every time I hear it.  I think she finally got fed up with the back and forth.  "Baby I love you and I only wanna be with you, I'm so afraid of losing you"  he says basically every Monday.   She falls for it every time, because hey, that's what she wants to hear. Then, later in the week "Baby I'm scared, I just don't wanna hurt you or disappoint you".   Every time it appeared she was ready to move on he'd hit her with some of that "baby you're the one" bullshit.  I honestly hope she's willing to stick to her decision moving forward.  I know this isn't the happy ending she envisioned, but maybe it's for the best.  I truly believe so many of us hold onto former loves because it's just easier to believe the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with is someone you already know.  Love is a wonderful thing, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of the unknown.  It's scary to think about giving your heart to someone new. What if you still don't get your happy ending?  I know there's always something to learn in any relationship, but there comes a point when you're tired of not being anyone's choice.  Perhaps things would be easier if we'd only unlearn all of the bullshit we were taught when we were 6 years old.  By my calculations (if we're going off the fairytales) my Prince Charming is about 12 years late.  Maybe he's stuck in traffic.

Day 18:   It was a beautiful day around the city so I got out pretty early.  I didn't have anything in particular to do early in the day, so I just bummed around the mall a little and went to a few shoe stores.  I didn't buy anything believe it or not. I still had fun.  Later in the evening I made my way to a basketball game.  I was having issues getting inside because the young lady who was supposed to leave my ticket at Will Call didn't! It's all good though, I finally got in touch with her and I made my way inside.  Afterward I had big plans to go out and enjoy the city.  Things didn't quite work out like that. I was home by 11:30.  I completely lost the urge to go out once it was time to actually do it.  I guess I'm getting old. *shrugs*.

Day 19:  So my friend and I have these philosophical differences about the things people "should just know"  I know that type of thinking has caused a lot of unnecessary confusion in my life.  What I've learned as I've gotten older is not to assume people know anything.  Sometimes people don't know that you think things should be a certain way unless you tell them.  Especially in a situation where what's right and what's wrong is completely subjective.  My friend claims she's going to restart her thirty day cleanse today.  I'd just like her to try to make it one week at this point.  She seems to be confused about why I'm doing this and why she needs to do it.  She thinks this whole experiment is pointless and I'm going to go back to having the same relationship with the Ex and the Homie that I've always had.  I know in my heart that's not true.  One of the main points of this cleanse is to prove to myself that my life can go on and I can feel happy without talking to these two individuals everyday, several times per day. I needed to balance these relationships.  I'm a little more than halfway through this process and I already know it can be done.  Even when I had my moment of weakness two weeks in, I still felt like I could achieve this goal and change my life for the better.  I'm still on track, and I will get there!

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